Technically, the next post I intended to share here was to be the devotional I will be sharing with our homeschool co-op next week (yikes – next week??), but it remains a work in progress.  Today, these are the words I have to offer.

It tends to be our human nature, I believe, to use our past or current circumstances to define just about everything in our lives … even our understanding of God.  It would be far more prudent to switch that around and learn to look to God to define us and the always-changing circumstances we face.

I went with my family on a hastily planned visit to a state park yesterday.  It was about an hour and fifteen minutes from our home and the road traversed through a most beautiful countryside that seemed entirely encircled by mountains.

A trip like this would not have been possible in recent years due to the way my son’s autism has impacted him over the years, as well as, some other challenging family dynamics.  But the Lord has been steadily working in Tyler, causing him to be more open to trying new things and He has been steadily working in me to be more outspoken for my own sake, as well as, for my children.

We took a trip north to a different state park earlier this summer and I had prepared visuals, food motivators, and more to encourage and support Ty for that trip and he was wildly successful, beyond my expectations.  With this trip yesterday however, I didn’t prepare as much … I opted to ‘wing it’ a little and see what would happen.

In the morning after Ty got up and ate breakfast, I got out the cooler so I could pack a picnic and drinks.  Ty’s attention zoomed in on that cooler and to my surprise, he immediately grabbed his favorite walking hat and put on his flip-flops … he didn’t know where we were going but he knew we were going somewhere.  He followed my every step as I packed the cooler and prepared the various items we were taking along … he even helped.  Then I sat at my computer and quickly typed out a social story with some basic steps to tell him what we were going to do and the expectations.  That was the only visual he needed for this trip … just a very simple social story!

Tyler, my daughter, and I hopped into the van and followed my other son and their Dad as they led the way in the other vehicle.  The drive took us on new roads that we had never seen before and my daughter and I were enthralled with the mountains and farmlands just outside our windows.

The state park was not busy at all and we easily found a quiet spot to set up our picnic lunch.  Typically, I will wait beside Ty’s door until he gets out because this has been one of our biggest battles in the past … but I had already read him the social story with the expectation of quietly getting out of the van and I had every confidence that he could handle it on his own so I simply opened his door, asked him to come with us, and then helped carry our gear to a nearby picnic pavilion.  I began to set out the food and would periodically call out to encourage him to join us and within a few minutes, he did just that … all on his own.

We sat as a family and enjoyed a relatively simple picnic as our eyes soaked in the beauty all around us.  Ty finished first and was eager to begin the next step of his social story … a walk.  So we quickly finished, cleaned up, and headed onto a nearby trail which, we were told, would circle around the entire lake and would be perfect for Ty.

My heart was overflowing with joy and contentment as I walked along with all three of my children clustered around me.  At one point, I expressed a sigh of contentment as Tyler reached over and gently took hold of my hand for security … my daughter looked over and breathed out a gentle, ‘Awe…’

We walked the entire trail together and enjoyed the lovely sights of the lake.  My middle son was intent on taking photographs, my daughter simply stayed by my side sharing conversation and tidbits of wit and humor.  We laughed, we conversed, we shared.

Not everything was ideal of course, but I was so encouraged and thankful for these moments because they are rare and fleeting.

Once we got back to our picnic table, Ty grabbed my hand, and led me towards the bathroom … yet another thing for which to be thankful.  Just as I was reaching to open the door, my heart cried out, “God, You are so good!” and it seemed in that brief moment, time seemed to slow down and even stop…

I don’t know how to explain it or if anyone would believe me if I tried … but I had a series of flashbacks.  Quick bursts of memories that flashed quickly past my eyes.  Reminders from the past … memories that I alone carry … days and nights that I long to forget.

Then came a gentle reminder … God was just as good during those dark days as He is now during the mostly better days.  In fact, the very reason I can rejoice freely now in the smallest of events is because I learned to trust Him when I could not see beyond the next step.  I chose to believe Him when there seemed no reason to.

 

“I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord
In the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; Be strong and let your heart take courage;
Yes, wait for the Lord.”  Psalm 27:13-14

 

I rejoiced as I entered the family restroom with my son and praised the Lord for the reminder of His faithfulness during the hard days and for the lessons that taught me to rejoice in even the most mundane of tasks and events.

Once you meet God in the darkness, you learn to see Him everywhere. 

My son was ready to come home after that, so he, my daughter and I made the drive back home.  With the memories so fresh in my mind, I allowed myself to walk my way through them and ponder the sorrow of the past.  Silent tears welled up in my eyes and slipped down my cheeks as I remembered them and how my heart thanked the Lord that He has proven Himself to be unchanging during every season and trial of life.

With all of Ty’s growth and progress on my mind, I began to consider all the possibilities for the future … perhaps we could try visiting a grocery store next or maybe he would be open to attending a local Arts Festival … in that moment of joy, the possibilities seemed endless.

For a moment, it seemed the worst was behind me.

Today started much earlier than I would have liked.  By this point of the summer, I am wearied beyond comprehension both physically and mentally.  Yesterday was great fun but it was also exhausting … I wanted nothing more than to sleep in and slowly work myself into the day.  But Ty was awake early and jumped right into things and by the middle of the morning, he was already restless.  I offered, what I thought to be a brilliant suggestion … I thought we should go on his favorite walk at our nearby park.  This has been his favorite thing to do all summer and it seemed the perfect idea for this morning.

Ty seemed open to the idea, so I helped him get dressed and prompted him to put on his socks and shoes.  In just minutes we were at the park and headed towards his favorite trail.  I was silently rejoicing because this park and this trail have been Ty’s happy place all summer … in fact, I even captured a quick image of his sweet smile on my phone, in between texting with my niece about birthday plans for my other son.

All seemed to be well as we began to climb the first part of the trail but soon, it was as if a freak thunderstorm had hit and everything began to fall apart.  Perhaps it was the people walking down on the dam who yelled at their dog (or child?) in irritation?  Perhaps it was something Ty was thinking about? I don’t know but soon Ty began  to express his agitation and upset very clearly.

This behavior caught me off guard but I quickly tried to distract him and encouraged him to keep walking and get back into a happy zone, while I immediately schooled my own anxious thoughts and began to silently sing the first song that came to mind.

“Jesus! what a friend for sinners!
Jesus! lover of my soul;
Friends may fail me, foes assail me,
He, my Savior, makes me whole.

Hallelujah! what a Savior!
Hallelujah! what a friend!
Saving, helping, keeping, loving,
He is with me to the end.”

I realized, as we continued walking, why I always begin to silently sing when Ty gets upset.  It helps me stay focused but it also helps keep me calm … my breathing becomes regulated to the tempo of the melody I am singing.  For me to help Ty through a rough spot, I need to have that focus and calmness.  If I become emotionally entangled into whatever battle is happening inside of him, a little storm can quickly escalate into a monster storm.

We made it to the part of the trail that is Ty’s favorite.  He typically goes into his zone at this point and is relaxed and mellow … but unfortunately, that did not happen today.

I don’t know what was the trigger, nor do I know if there was something I should have done differently, but Ty soon went full-blown into a meltdown … in the woods … a long distance from my van.

Despite all my efforts, it escalated to the point that the only thing I could do was turn him around, get a firm hold on his arm, and forcefully get us through woods, while he exhibited some of the worst of his behaviors.  The folks we met stepped aside as we passed by, the guy boating on the lake stared open-mouthed, but I did what I needed to do to get Ty to a safe place so he could calm down.

As I did so, I remembered the first time he had a complete meltdown at this park.  He was just a little guy and I believe the only child I had with me at the time.  I don’t know what triggered that meltdown either but I remember he completely lost control and I had to pick up his violently thrashing body and carry him away from the area we were in.  I remember getting to an open, grassy place and sinking to the ground as I held him tightly to myself … protecting him from himself and from whatever had set him off.  As he began to settle, a man who, with his young son, had watched the entire thing came near to tell me that his son thought that a bee had scared Ty … and then he looked deeply into my eyes and whispered, “God bless you.”

Ty is almost 18 years old now and his meltdowns are much louder and uglier.  I can no longer pick him up and remove him to a safe place and people are far less likely to reach out with love.

But, with all the strength a desperate mom can muster and a grace that only God could have given, I managed to get Ty to our van without incident.  We were both drenched with sweat and tears from the episode and exertion as we sat quietly with only an occasional sniffle from Ty.  As I started to put the van in gear, I finally noticed the deep trembling that had over taken my entire body.  I shook from head to toe.  I had responded to the crisis as I am well-versed in doing, but now that we were safe, my body reacted.  My hands trembled as I pulled out of the parking lot and the tears slipped from my eyes as I became aware of a sharp pain in my left shoulder and a stiffness that was spreading into my neck and upper back.

However, my heart, while grieving deeply for what had just transpired, was reminded once again of the faithfulness of God … just as I had been yesterday during happier circumstances.  Our trip yesterday had gone beautifully and God seemed so near as I enjoyed the day with all my children.  Today was horrible and even traumatizing but please hear me on this … God was just as close and near to us today.  He was just as good today.  He was just as faithful today in the midst of a frightening public meltdown as He was in the midst of a sweet day filled with joy.

The reminder of His faithfulness was why I could calmly get Ty home without taking his behaviors personally (harder than you think).  That faithfulness was why I could face complete indifference once we got home and I briefly explained what happened.  That faithfulness was why I could immediately turn around and make a quick trip into the  grocery store because my children needed milk.  That faithfulness was why I opted to buy myself a lovely flowering plant that caught my eye and brought a smile to my heart.  I knew I needed comfort and that there would be no earthly comfort for me … but that plant, now sitting outside on my patio table, is a sweet reminder to me of the comfort I find in the faithfulness of an unchanging God.

“The grass withers, the flower fades, but the word of our God stands forever.”  Isaiah 40:8

It is our nature to look at our past and present circumstances and use them to define our lives, our perceptions of our circumstances, and most certainly our understanding of God.  My continual challenge for myself and those around me is to better use our time to learn about and then focus on the unchanging, always faithful, character of our God.

“Have you not known? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He does not faint or grow weary; his understanding is unsearchable.”
Isaiah 40:28

 

*Our Great Savior hymn written by J. Wilbur Chapman 1910