It has been chilly, rainy, and dreary for the past few days.  The kind of weather that is like kryptonite to a solar-powered gal like myself.  I know of some folks who are energized by this kind of weather; It’s when their creativity seems to awaken and their energy soars.  I clean the home of a woman like this.  She is one of the most creative and gifted fiber artists I know and she enjoys nothing more than listening to the rain pitter-patter against her roof as she sits at her sewing machine or loom.

Not me … at least not anymore.

There was a time that I was a much more creative person and less bothered by dreary weather.  I enjoyed sewing and crocheting … dabbled in embroidery and cross-stitching … or sat for hours playing on my beloved piano.  I could sit for most of a day, becoming completely lost in the pages of a book as my imagination drew vivid pictures from the words that I read.  Rainy days were perfect for pursuing those restful arts and leisure activities.

But I’m not really that girl anymore.  At least, I don’t think so.

I guess I don’t really know.

And that’s okay.

Despite the rain and dreariness, it has been a productive day.  I got my oldest son off to school at his new earlier time, even though he had zero interest in waking or moving this morning.  This is only the third day of his new transportation routine and finally, he is accepting the change.  Once he left, I began the process of replacing our internet modem/router combo unit.  I am not an especially strong ‘techie’ person but if there is an issue with the computers or internet in our house, it falls on my shoulders.  After an hour or so of messing with the modem, talking with tech support, and making various adjustments to cords, cables, and connections, our internet is finally working well for the first time in ages.  We haven’t a working phone line at the moment but, in our home, internet is far more important than phone service.

Phone calls, like rainy, dreary days, are my nemesis.

Totally okay.

My younger children were already at hard at work this morning with their literature, grammar, and vocabulary studies while I was on the phone with tech support, but once our internet was up and running, we jumped into a full day of homeschooling.  In addition to the classes mentioned above, we also did Cultural Geography and Algebra 1 for my 9th grader and American Republic and Pre-Algebra for my 8th grader, as well as, Physical Science and their first lesson in Spanish 1.

In between working with them and grading assignments, I did some prep work for my homeschool co-op literature class, sent emails, prepared for an important meeting tomorrow morning for my oldest son, and all the miscellaneous tasks that always seem left undone.

Still okay.

We finally wrapped the school day up around 3 PM and then I contemplated the dirty dishes in the kitchen.  There was a time those dishes would have been a priority in my day but lately, I am learning to save them for AFTER the school day.  Only occasionally will I tackle a household chore while we are in the midst of schooling because it is too easy for me to disconnect and get so into the zone of housework that I forget my first calling … teaching and guiding my children through their studies.  There are so many other tasks, obligations, and responsibilities pulling at me during the hours when my oldest son is at his autism school, I don’t want the mundane daily tasks of housework taking my limited attention away from my younger children.

So I contemplated the dirty dishes … I pondered the possibilities of supper … I considered the abundance of other chores awaiting me … and then I was suddenly reminded how weary I felt.

It’s okay to feel weary.

Turns out starting the day at 4 am gets a bit more challenging as you age.  The sleepless nights are coming with more regularity, which seems ridiculous when you consider the amount of sleep deprivation I have known.  I have also become a student in the school of learning what happens to the female body after age 45 … I had no idea.  I never considered what it would mean for me to begin the process of leaving my youth behind, suddenly aware of all I never got to do or experience.

Then, guiding my children through their Algebra and Pre-Algebra?  Oh dear. 

Learning Spanish alongside them so I can support their journey into studying a foreign language?   Help.

Prepping for an incredibly important meeting in the morning that will build the foundational groundwork for my oldest son once he ages out of the educational system and loses all his needed supports?  Lord have mercy.

Throw in days of rain, chill, and dreariness?

Yes, I decided that the dishes and supper could wait a little longer.

After years and years of pushing myself to the point of exhaustion and breakdown, I have learned to take restful moments when and if I need them.  I had about an hour before my son would be home and since I never know what an evening with him will look like, I opted for rest.  I stretched out on my bed with kitties cuddled up on either side and simply allowed myself to ponder life.

It’s okay.

Even though I am contemplative by nature and my brain is usually always processing the life that swirls around me, lately I have been shutting down that part of me.

It has felt counterintuitive, but necessary, given all the demands of life and my own uncertainty.

Suddenly, the answers I once knew no longer seem appropriate.

The voices I once listened to no longer seem helpful.

The box in which I have been kept no longer fits.

I’ve always tended towards being accepting and accommodating to the point of destroying myself to keep peace.

I would have said that I don’t feel anger.

I rarely, if ever, asked ‘Why?’

And yet, I do feel anger.  It is subtle and hidden but it is there.

I am not defiantly raising my fist towards heaven and screaming ‘Why me?’

But I have quietly whispered, ‘I don’t understand’ from the deepest places of my heart.

So I ponder the questions that remain yet unanswered.

And that’s okay.

I ponder, but with the prayerful wisdom of those who have gone before…

Such as the Psalmist who reminds me …

“My soul, wait in silence for God only,
For my hope is from Him.
He only is my rock and my salvation,
My stronghold; I shall not be shaken.
On God my salvation and my glory rest;
The rock of my strength, my refuge is in God.”
Psalm 62:5-7

And the broken and bruised Job who, once God revealed Himself, could only cry out …

“I know that You can do all things,
And that no purpose of Yours can be thwarted.
 ‘Who is this that hides counsel without knowledge?’
Therefore I have declared that which I did not understand,
Things too wonderful for me, which I did not know.”
‘Hear, now, and I will speak;
I will ask You, and You instruct me.’
“I have heard of You by the hearing of the ear;
But now my eye sees You;
Therefore I retract,
And I repent in dust and ashes.”
Job 42:2-6

And I realize that even in the uncertainty, the changes, and even in the questions …

I am okay.

Because God is good and He is faithful and someday, I’ll understand.

Sometimes it is okay … to just be okay.