I watched through bleary eyes as a severely damaged taxi cab pulled up to the gas station, just a few pumps down from me.  Living where I do, it is rather unusual to see a taxi cab at the local pumps, let alone one that looked like the rear of it had lost a fight to a telephone pole.  I was even more puzzled to see that, as the driver stepped out, she left the vehicle running and the car door standing wide open.  This triggered my curiosity, which would explain why I paid attention as she walked around to the kiosk and prepaid $14 for pump 4.  After that, however, my thoughts quickly dropped back into a fog of fatigue as I continued the relatively mindless task of filling the gas tank.

At least until I heard that same woman suddenly break out into a raging tirade filled with explicitly foul language.

That woke my brain up rather quickly.

I listened in stunned surprise as she yelled obscenities and struggled to figure out who she was screaming at and what she was screaming about.  But since she kept repeating the same few phrases over and over during her harangue and would sometimes stumble over her words before getting back on track, I began to realize it wasn’t actually directed towards any one specific person … and given the overall nature of her words, I could only guess it was a somewhat practiced litany of words that had something to do with certain hot topic issues in our culture.

As soon as she finished pumping her $14 worth of gas, she ran around her still-running vehicle, jumped in through the still-opened door, and quickly drove away … leaving all of us who remained at the pumps completely confused in the wake of her unexplainable barrage of hostile verbal vomit.

Perhaps because the weeks prior to this had been so tumultuous, I found myself shaken by the depth of her anger and how she chose to share it.

Through these last weeks, I  have pondered and continued to develop the idea of living a life marked with quiet joy, such as I wrote about here -> A Quiet Joy

A life I see as being grounded in contentment, cemented in faith, and balanced with hope.  A life that does does not invite fear (or anger) to the party and firmly rejects its unwanted advances.  A life that does not absorb the anger and anxieties of the world clamoring around her and a life that remains fixed on the Savior.

Absolutely easier said than done.

Especially since life involves … people.

I walked out to my clothesline with a basket filled with wet, heavy clothes and a heart that seemed just as heavy.  The weekend before had been absolutely one of the most difficult in recent memory and my heart was still overwhelmed with the intense anxiety and resulting anger that my autistic son exhibited.  He is typically a very sweet guy but when certain buttons get pushed and his ‘fear tornado’ gets fired up, things change dramatically. The mental exhaustion from those battles was still very palpable as I hadn’t had time to process and recover before jumping into the busyness of a new week.

Current news reports were weighing heavily on my mind as well and my own fear began to rise as I watched a culture rage and continue to disintegrate before me.

So that morning, when another child of mine grew frustrated and randomly threw their teenage angst against me, I was in a weak moment and caught completely off guard.  I understood that they were simply projecting their fears and anxieties onto me and that it wasn’t really personal and yet, it certainly came across as an attack.

I was left feeling completely shaken and unsure, as my mind rehearsed the number of times I have been the recipient of another person’s angry response to something in their life.

The wet clothes in the basket seemed even heavier as I slowly made my way through the dew-dampened grass to my clotheslines … at least, until the words from an aged hymn suddenly rose to the surface from the hidden recesses of my mind.

 

 “There is a place of quiet rest,
near to the heart of God,
a place where sin cannot molest,
near to the heart of God.

O Jesus, blest Redeemer,
sent from the heart of God,
hold us, who wait before thee,
near to the heart of God.”

 

The words of this timeless hymn, Near to the Heart of God, were penned by American theologian and Presbyterian minister, Cleland Boyd McAfee.  He wrote it in 1903 after the tragic deaths of his two young nieces caused by diphtheria …

And in this moment, while still feeling the dampness of the morning dew wet upon my feet and the weight of the laundry basket in my arms, my soul grew calm and my emotions quieted as the words written through his journey with heartbreak reminded me of where I fit, where I belong, and how I can live my life in a world gone awry.

Near to the heart of God.

There is strength and peace to be found on this journey when we stay near the heart of God.  Perspectives change from those of self-focused fear and anger and shift more towards outward-focused love for others in a manner that exemplifies the love of Christ.  I can be on the receiving end of another person’s angst and anger, and yet, it does not have to affect me.  I can learn to respond in love and kindness as the eyes of my heart remain focused exclusively on the Savior.  I can learn to set appropriate boundaries and not absorb the anger of another, nor cater to any anger of my own.

This is the life I choose to live.

A life that remains near the heart of God.

“But as for me, the nearness of God is my good; I have made the Lord God my refuge, that I may tell of all Your works.”
Psalm 73:28

 

 

Near to the Heart of God

1 There is a place of quiet rest,
near to the heart of God,
a place where sin cannot molest,
near to the heart of God.

Refrain:
O Jesus, blest Redeemer,
sent from the heart of God,
hold us, who wait before thee,
near to the heart of God.

2 There is a place of comfort sweet,
near to the heart of God,
a place where we our Savior meet,
near to the heart of God. [Refrain]

3 There is a place of full release,
near to the heart of God,
a place where all is joy and peace,
near to the heart of God. [Refrain]

Hymn written by Cleland Boyd McAfee