“I can shake off everything as I write; my sorrows disappear, my courage is reborn.”
~Anne Frank~

I don’t know when I have last written nor when I have even given this blog more a passing thought. The world, for many of us, came to a screeching halt back in March, as we were suddenly faced with fears of a worldwide pandemic and all the surreal discord, fear, and anger that continues to threaten to overtake all logic and respect for human dignity and life.

In the process of navigating these issues and working through the overwhelming circumstances within my own family, I found myself unequipped for the battles that awaited me. Courage left first as my greatest foe, Fear, wrapped his tendrils around my heart and mind. His whispers assailed and assaulted me from every side until I could no longer hear the voice of my Savior. My faith began to weaken as my words vanished like a vapor in the night.

I never felt more alone. I never felt more abandoned. I never felt more lost.

Many can toss their words into the wind without thought or care for where they land but that is not how I live. My nature is quiet. Words are often hard for me to share. It took years for me to learn how to talk and begin to share my thoughts with others. It takes courage for me to even look anyone in the eye. It takes courage for me to speak a word that opens the shutters of who I am inside. It takes courage for me to write because I know words to be powerful … whether for good or for evil.

I believed my words were forever lost as I finally fell before my enemy on an isolated battle field, wounded and afraid. Too weary to do anything more than whisper, “Where are You?” and “What have I done? Has it all been for naught?”

My enemy began to turn away, certain of my demise. He knew all along I lacked the courage for a battle of this intensity and that I could be easily defeated. I could hear him laugh in disgust as he walked away, leaving me abandoned in the bloodied dirt. I would have stayed there in misery for the rest of my life …

But God.

In the haunting silence that often follows a particularly brutal battle, I gradually became aware of a different whisper, at first spoken through the voice of a friend/counselor.

“You have to keep feeding your mind Biblical truth. ‘I will never leave you or forsake you… (Hebrew 13:5)’ ‘No one can snatch you out of My hand… (John 10:28) ‘The good shepherd will leave the 99 to seek and save the one that is lost…’ (Luke 15:4-6)“

Over and over I heard the words, “I will leave the 99 to find you.”

I began to recognize the voice of the Shepherd beckoning His lamb who was lost.

The one who thought she had been abandoned. Forgotten. Left behind.

My head lifted as I began to search for my Shepherd and I saw the enemy swivel on his feet as he turned to face me once more. Our eyes locked as he lifted his sword and all I could do was whisper one name …

The name of Jesus.

A shadow fell over me and I saw fear in my enemy’s face as he saw who stood over me ready to fight to protect His own.

The Good Shepherd. My Rescuer.

Jesus Christ.

“For the Lord will not forsake his people; he will not abandon his heritage;…”
Psalm 94:14

I am not sure how much writing I will do as I am honestly trying to figure out how to live truthfully and righteously in the overwhelming and difficult realities of this life and particularly, this season of life. To say I still feel inadequate and unworthy is an understatement but I know these feelings are not to be trusted. I have been called to live as one who has been rescued … and if I write, it must be as one who knows she has been rescued even in the darkest of seasons.

One who has seen the ugliness of the battle field and who has faced almost certain death at the hand of the enemy rarely speaks of her own goodness or fortitude in battle … but rather, she speaks of the One who rescued her when all seemed lost.

She will not attempt to point to anything or anyone other than the One whose very presence can cause darkness to flee. She will gladly stand in the shadow of His presence and trust in His strength as the battles of life continue to rage around her.

She knows she has been rescued and is aware that she has to learn to live in this truth, even when every circumstance in her life seems to tell her otherwise.

So I write these words and offer them to you as one who is planting the minuscule seeds of courage in hopes that it will grow once more.

“Remember my affliction and my wandering, the wormwood and bitterness. Surely my soul remembers and is bowed down within me. This I recall to my mind, therefore I have hope. The Lord’s lovingkindnesses indeed never cease, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; Great is Your faithfulness. “The Lord is my portion,” says my soul, “Therefore I have hope in Him.” The Lord is good to those who wait for Him,
To the person who seeks Him. It is good that he waits silently for the salvation of the Lord.“
Lamentations 3:19-26