This blog has been silent for a couple of weeks simply because sometimes there are far too many words and too many thoughts in my head to sift through and construct/deconstruct/reconstruct into meaningful, insightful sentences. What you may not know about me is that I often (always) struggle intensely with anxiety and often, I can become completely overwhelmed with life — my own life in particular.
Some who are friends with me on social media might say, “But you’ve been sharing pictures from your garden on Facebook – you seem fine!”
Yes, you’re right. I have been intentionally sharing light and fun posts on my social media accounts. If you see me in person, I intentionally smile and endeavor to make easy conversation with you. These are skills I have learned from a lifetime of dealing with anxiety and difficult things.
Why? Why do I work so hard to maintain a sense of joy and live a peaceful life even when my mind is racing and there is a fear lurking around every corner, ready to consume and distract me?
Because my life has been redeemed … It is not my own. Because even when my heart and mind are in a race contest with each other, Jesus is still on the throne. Even when my head gets foggy and I am not sure what to do next, God is still in control. Even when I am so weary with the heaviness of my own life (not even thinking about the state of my country and the world right now) that I can barely lift my head, I am still at peace because He is faithful.
I know I can trust Him even when my mind tells me otherwise. So I choose daily to pick up my cross and follow Him … wherever He leads. (Matthew 16:24)
Someday I may share about the anxiety and fear I still struggle with in my day to day life. But right now, I am learning to persevere in the midst of the battle. I am learning to not ignore the battle that is raging inside while deadening myself with activity or nothingness. Instead, I am walking through the overwhelming panic that continually rises inside of me. I am taking every thought captive to make it obedient to Christ (2 Corinthians 10:5). I am talking with my Pastor, who is the only one who knows my full reality and who can speak truth into the chaos of my thoughts when I need help. And I am looking for beauty — God’s beauty in this broken, fallen world.
When I watch the first flowers bloom in the Spring, I am reminded of God’s faithfulness in hard seasons. When I see the first seedling break through the dirt in an effort to reach the light, I am reminded of His goodness and strength, which enables me to do hard things. When I see the leaves on the trees begin to bud and turn green, I am reminded who is the Source of my life.
And in all of these things, I find joy.
So for now my blog is more silent but there is a reason — like my outdoor plants that were dormant in the winter, needing a period of rest and silence before they could enter a new season of growth, the same is true for me.
My main reason for hopping on here today was simply to share some Scripture I read this morning during my quiet time. I am presently reading in 1 Kings but after finishing today’s portion I flipped over to the Psalms and read one of my favorite passages. I thought it might be helpful for myself, and possibly others, to share here because this is how I seek to live even in the midst of hard things. I want this to be the testimony of my life ~
But as for me, I shall sing of Your strength;
Yes, I shall joyfully sing of Your lovingkindness in the morning,
For You have been my stronghold
And a refuge in the day of my distress.
O my strength, I will sing praises to You;
For God is my stronghold, the God who shows me lovingkindness.
Psalm 59:16-17
The world around me seems wrought with chaos, hatred, and ignorance. My own life is incredibly overwhelming and uncertain. But as for me … I will sing of His strength.
He is so faithful.
The Brown Bird's Song 