My son is nineteen years old — and he is profoundly impacted by autism. Unless the Lord grants a miracle of healing, my son will never live on his own and will never not need constant supervision and care. He will likely not become completely verbal and his behaviors will probably always be a barrier to a life of independence. Most people would feel sorry for him. People often feel sorry for me and the rest of the family. Autism is hard and the way it impacts him and those of us closest to him is significant. However, please do not think this means his life and his journey are meaningless — that is not true at all. In fact, I think if you listen, watch, and engage in his world, you will find many life lessons.
The last few days have been especially challenging for my son. I am not sure what triggered the increase in agitation and frustration, but it has been rough — for him and for me. Presently, due to the pandemic, he only attends his specialized school in the mornings, which means he gets home every day in time to eat lunch — his current daily meal of choice is frozen pepperoni pizza. My guy loves his pizza and he really does not like to share (even though I sometimes take a slice to work on that whole sharing thing). Yesterday I made his pizza like normal while also preparing lunch for his siblings. I am not sure what clicked in his head or exactly what instigated his next move, but after he ate one piece, he suddenly wrapped a slice of his pizza in a paper towel and offered it to me. He shared his favorite lunch with me.
My heart melted as I accepted his gift. You see, the day was a heavy one for me as it was an important election day in the U.S. I was at peace myself, but the words, fear, anger, and behavior of others in regards to the election had begun to weigh me down. I was starting to feel fear and dread, worrying about the days ahead. But in that moment, with an offering of sweet kindness and love, the fear began to melt away and my spirits lifted from the depths.
Yes, it was only a slice of frozen pizza, something that most of us might take for granted, but that pizza was of great value to him. It was what he had to give and because of that, his simple offering of kindness, turned my day around.
He shared what he had — he shared his pizza.
Later in the day, my son began to struggle. I could see a meltdown simmering below the surface and as much as I wished to avoid such a scene, I knew we were working our way to an explosion. Things were nearing a boiling point just as he was finishing up his showering routine. I helped him complete the final steps as I quietly reminded him that while the emotions that were churning inside of him were understandable and okay, he needed to remember that taking his anger and frustration out on me was not. We feel what we feel, but learning to respect ourselves and to love others enough to practice self-control of our emotions is so important.
Then that evening, it hit. The boiling at reached its limit and the explosion was intense, releasing all the strong and overwhelming emotions that had been building up for days. I admit, my spirit sighed within me as I rose to my feet to help him through the crisis, like I always do. But this time, he took himself to his ‘safe spot.’ A chair that used to be his time-out location but now since he is older, it is a safe place to work on calming down. Since he took himself there, I opted not to follow or remain in the room with him — I wanted to see if he could control himself and be able to self-regulate his emotions. Within a couple of minutes, he returned to his computer, still a bit out of sorts, but without the intensity of the previous behaviors. I continued to wait and remain silent. Within ten minutes, he was mostly calm and within 20-30 minutes, he seemed completely at ease.
My son’s emotions are deep and they are powerful. They are every bit as valid as yours or mine. The difference is, he is largely unable to process them and is not able at all to verbally express them. It has been extremely hard trying to teach him how to navigate whatever he is feeling inside, while also trying, oh so carefully, not to minimize the emotions and reactions that I can’t even begin to understand. However, I believe it to be important for my son to learn the value of self-control, for his own good and the good of those around him.
I have spent years teaching him Scripture that speak of self-control and I talk to him frequently about the importance of loving others and respecting ourselves enough to not unleash our fury on another. Of course, I also work at teaching coping mechanisms and whatever other tools I can think of to help him navigate this often tumultuous life. But I truly believe, if I can help him understand the concept of self-control, it will be for his benefit and good. Like most of us, sometimes he gets it — sometimes he doesn’t. Sometimes he is that overwhelmed in the intensity of the moment, the mere thought of self-control is unimaginable. But on this particular night, I watched and listened as he stood in the midst of an intense storm raging inside and practiced self-control. He handled it completely on his own — without my help at all.
He practiced self-control and in doing so, he respected himself and loved his family.
Friends, I get it — this is a hard season for most of us. We are struggling beneath the weight of a world-wide pandemic, which knocked any sense of ‘normal’ off the radar. We’re out of sorts and frustrated, whether by the restrictions set in place or by the refusal of some to follow the restrictions. Some of us are experiencing true hardship and life has become increasingly more difficult. Many of us are watching the chaos and hatred swirling around our nation with amazement and fear while some of us are engaged in the fray, looking for a fight.
It is an uncertain time and not one of us knows what tomorrow will hold, but rest assured, almost everyone is feeling the weight of it in some way. So what can we do? I can’t save the world. I can’t fix everything. I can’t make it all better for you, myself, or for my children as I wish I could do. I can’t change the world.
But as simple as it may sound, in light of often harsh circumstances, I can follow my son’s example. I can share my pizza … whatever that means for me. It may be a gentle word of encouragement to a cashier at the grocery store. It may be a nod of greeting to someone on the street or a smile of welcome. Maybe it is something I write on social media or a Bible verse I share. Whatever my ‘pizza’ is, whatever small kindness that is in my power to offer, I can share it with someone else and in doing so, God might use it to lighten their load or encourage their spirit.
Or, maybe I can practice self-control, developing a respect for myself while seeking to love another. I can refrain from posting that angry rant on social media or posting that mocking meme of a public official. I can choose to hold back my impulsive words when I see or hear something with which I disagree. When my kids push my last button, I can step away and deal with the sin in my own heart before I tear them apart with my angry words. Developing self-control takes discipline and time, but the Bible lists it as a fruit of the Spirit — it is honoring to the Lord.
So life lessons from my son — in the days ahead, no matter what happens, no matter how hard things may be or what struggles we may face, share your pizza (my new mantra) and practice self-control.
It might not change the world, but it might impact someone’s life in a way that leads them to the Savior.
And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.
Colossians 3:17
The Brown Bird's Song 