It has been chilly, rainy, and dreary for the past few days.  The kind of weather that is like kryptonite to a solar-powered gal like myself.  I know of some folks who are energized by this kind of weather; It’s when their creativity seems to awaken and their energy soars.  I clean the home of a woman like this.  She is one of the most creative and gifted fiber artists I know and she enjoys nothing more than listening to the rain pitter-patter against her roof as she sits at her sewing machine or loom.

Not me … at least not anymore.

There was a time that I was a much more creative person and less bothered by dreary weather.  I enjoyed sewing and crocheting … dabbled in embroidery and cross-stitching … or sat for hours playing on my beloved piano.  I could sit for most of a day, becoming completely lost in the pages of a book as my imagination drew vivid pictures from the words that I read.  Rainy days were perfect for pursuing those restful arts and leisure activities.

But I’m not really that girl anymore.  At least, I don’t think so.

I guess I don’t really know.

And that’s okay.

Despite the rain and dreariness, it has been a productive day.  I got my oldest son off to school at his new earlier time, even though he had zero interest in waking or moving this morning.  This is only the third day of his new transportation routine and finally, he is accepting the change.  Once he left, I began the process of replacing our internet modem/router combo unit.  I am not an especially strong ‘techie’ person but if there is an issue with the computers or internet in our house, it falls on my shoulders.  After an hour or so of messing with the modem, talking with tech support, and making various adjustments to cords, cables, and connections, our internet is finally working well for the first time in ages.  We haven’t a working phone line at the moment but, in our home, internet is far more important than phone service.

Phone calls, like rainy, dreary days, are my nemesis.

Totally okay.

My younger children were already at hard at work this morning with their literature, grammar, and vocabulary studies while I was on the phone with tech support, but once our internet was up and running, we jumped into a full day of homeschooling.  In addition to the classes mentioned above, we also did Cultural Geography and Algebra 1 for my 9th grader and American Republic and Pre-Algebra for my 8th grader, as well as, Physical Science and their first lesson in Spanish 1.

In between working with them and grading assignments, I did some prep work for my homeschool co-op literature class, sent emails, prepared for an important meeting tomorrow morning for my oldest son, and all the miscellaneous tasks that always seem left undone.

Still okay.

We finally wrapped the school day up around 3 PM and then I contemplated the dirty dishes in the kitchen.  There was a time those dishes would have been a priority in my day but lately, I am learning to save them for AFTER the school day.  Only occasionally will I tackle a household chore while we are in the midst of schooling because it is too easy for me to disconnect and get so into the zone of housework that I forget my first calling … teaching and guiding my children through their studies.  There are so many other tasks, obligations, and responsibilities pulling at me during the hours when my oldest son is at his autism school, I don’t want the mundane daily tasks of housework taking my limited attention away from my younger children.

So I contemplated the dirty dishes … I pondered the possibilities of supper … I considered the abundance of other chores awaiting me … and then I was suddenly reminded how weary I felt.

It’s okay to feel weary.

Turns out starting the day at 4 am gets a bit more challenging as you age.  The sleepless nights are coming with more regularity, which seems ridiculous when you consider the amount of sleep deprivation I have known.  I have also become a student in the school of learning what happens to the female body after age 45 … I had no idea.  I never considered what it would mean for me to begin the process of leaving my youth behind, suddenly aware of all I never got to do or experience.

Then, guiding my children through their Algebra and Pre-Algebra?  Oh dear. 

Learning Spanish alongside them so I can support their journey into studying a foreign language?   Help.

Prepping for an incredibly important meeting in the morning that will build the foundational groundwork for my oldest son once he ages out of the educational system and loses all his needed supports?  Lord have mercy.

Throw in days of rain, chill, and dreariness?

Yes, I decided that the dishes and supper could wait a little longer.

After years and years of pushing myself to the point of exhaustion and breakdown, I have learned to take restful moments when and if I need them.  I had about an hour before my son would be home and since I never know what an evening with him will look like, I opted for rest.  I stretched out on my bed with kitties cuddled up on either side and simply allowed myself to ponder life.

It’s okay.

Even though I am contemplative by nature and my brain is usually always processing the life that swirls around me, lately I have been shutting down that part of me.

It has felt counterintuitive, but necessary, given all the demands of life and my own uncertainty.

Suddenly, the answers I once knew no longer seem appropriate.

The voices I once listened to no longer seem helpful.

The box in which I have been kept no longer fits.

I’ve always tended towards being accepting and accommodating to the point of destroying myself to keep peace.

I would have said that I don’t feel anger.

I rarely, if ever, asked ‘Why?’

And yet, I do feel anger.  It is subtle and hidden but it is there.

I am not defiantly raising my fist towards heaven and screaming ‘Why me?’

But I have quietly whispered, ‘I don’t understand’ from the deepest places of my heart.

So I ponder the questions that remain yet unanswered.

And that’s okay.

I ponder, but with the prayerful wisdom of those who have gone before…

Such as the Psalmist who reminds me …

“My soul, wait in silence for God only,
For my hope is from Him.
He only is my rock and my salvation,
My stronghold; I shall not be shaken.
On God my salvation and my glory rest;
The rock of my strength, my refuge is in God.”
Psalm 62:5-7

And the broken and bruised Job who, once God revealed Himself, could only cry out …

“I know that You can do all things,
And that no purpose of Yours can be thwarted.
 ‘Who is this that hides counsel without knowledge?’
Therefore I have declared that which I did not understand,
Things too wonderful for me, which I did not know.”
‘Hear, now, and I will speak;
I will ask You, and You instruct me.’
“I have heard of You by the hearing of the ear;
But now my eye sees You;
Therefore I retract,
And I repent in dust and ashes.”
Job 42:2-6

And I realize that even in the uncertainty, the changes, and even in the questions …

I am okay.

Because God is good and He is faithful and someday, I’ll understand.

Sometimes it is okay … to just be okay.

In a previous post, I wrote about a devotional that I would need to share with our homeschool co-op … you can read about it here -> To Speak or Not To Speak …

Well, today was the first day of co-op and the day for me to share a devotional and let me tell you, I was terribly anxious.  I actually was having an anxiety attack during the devotional and was desperately trying to talk myself down on the inside while I was maintaining my talk to the group on the outside.  Now, THAT is tricky.  Truthfully, I desperately did not want to speak, but the Lord  convicted me that my focus needed to be on being a living example of His love to the children and teens before me and not on my own renewed fear of public speaking.  So I am going to share here what I spoke to the students in our co-op this morning … including the parts I cut out at the last second due to time.  This is written more as I speak, not as I typically write.

Welcome to the new school year!

As you know, every co-op morning, we gather for a short devotional which serves not only to pull us all together before we begin the day’s work, but it also provides an opportunity to quiet our hearts and focus our attention on what is most important … our relationship with Jesus Christ.

Typically, the devotionals are offered by the mothers but this semester, we are doing things a bit differently. The seniors, who are taking speech class, will be taking turns sharing with us. That will begin the next time we meet but for today, you are stuck with me.

I was pretty anxious about being the first one to share and in my fear, I wanted to offer something simple and even a bit generic, but instead I believe the Lord has led me to share a story that is very special to me. I am sharing it as simply as I can due to time constraints so there will be some missing details.

But I hope you will listen carefully because there are two very important truths that I hope you will tuck away to think about later.

Those of you familiar with my family will remember that I have a third child who does not attend this co-op. For those who are new, my oldest son Tyler is 17 years old and he attends a special school in Hershey because he is profoundly impacted by autism.

Technically, Tyler would also be a senior this school year but his life and needs are very different from all of yours. Even though this is his senior year, he will continue in a modified school setting until he is 21.

What I am sharing today is part of his story and since the seniors will be sharing throughout the rest of the semester, it seems appropriate for me to share this in Tyler’s place with all of you today.

When Ty was diagnosed at a very young age with autism, he could not speak. He had no words at all … no way to communicate. He could not understand sign language nor did using pictures encourage him to communicate. When he was four years old, he was seen by a specialist at Hershey Med Center who told me that if he was not speaking by the age of 5 … he would never speak. Not ever.

Well, he still wasn’t speaking at the age of five and I was heartbroken. Among all my many concerns for his safety and his future, my greatest fear was for his eternity. Would Tyler ever understand his need of a Savior? Would he ever be in a position to repent of sin and invite Jesus into his heart? What would that even look like for a child with his level of disability? Would I ever know? I laid awake many nights praying and crying over him and seeking God on his behalf. I rejoiced greatly when my other children asked Jesus into their hearts a number of years ago, but Ty and his need of salvation continued to weigh heavily on me.

Ty began receiving services in the home around the age of two and when he was three years old, he began to attend a specialized autism preschool in Carlisle. Once he turned 5, he started kindergarten at a new autism school also located in Carlisle. In the middle of second grade I transferred into a different autism school in Harrisburg that, at the time, seemed better suited to meet his many needs. He remained there until just a few years ago when the Lord did an incredible work and he was transferred to the school he is in now, which is located in Hershey. Tyler travels back and forth every day and, in addition to academics, his days are also filled with speech and occupational therapies, learning job skills, behavioral management, learning activities of daily living, going on community outings, and working alongside peers. Everything is geared to helping him to be as successful and independent as he can possibly in his life.

I’ve never stopped taking him to church even though we always ended up outside the service. I’ve never stopped praying with and for him. But Ty never seemed to understand and since he couldn’t talk, there was no way to know what he was absorbing … but our Pastor encouraged me to speak God’s truth into Ty because he was sure Ty understood more than most realized. He told me to talk to him about sin and teach him about his need of a Savior. No, I didn’t know what Ty could understand but I knew God could open his heart and cause his mind to understand. It was my job to pray and to teach … it was God’s job to do the work.

So that’s what I did … over and over and over.

This past spring, I made up a little booklet of Bible verses for Ty. He was facing a big transition at his school and I wanted to teach him a few specific verses that could help him deal with the stress and fear he was experiencing. I typed out verses and I laminated them and before he left for school in the morning, I would read one or two to him. I would sit beside him holding the booklet and then slowly read over the verse, carefully pointing to each word as I read. I hoped and prayed that using just those few verses repeatedly would cause the words of God to sink deeply into Ty’s heart and take root.

One day, we had a massive thunderstorm at our house. It was a really bad one and our power went out and we lost our electricity. Now for most of us, that isn’t too big of a deal because we understand what happened and that the power would come back on eventually … in fact, most of us would consider it an adventure, right?

Not so with Ty. When our power goes out, it is traumatic for him and to say he gets upset, is an understatement.

Well, hours passed and our power didn’t come back on so Ty and I ended up sitting out on our front porch on the swing. As I sat there,I prayed and pondered what about what I should say or do … I had a sense that God was up to something but I certainly did not know what. Just then, a song popped into my head so I asked Ty if I could sing … Ty is a typical teenage guy in some ways and while he used to love it when I sang to him, he tends to hate it now. But this time, he used one word and said, ‘Sing.’

So, I softly sang these words that were so strongly on my heart to him and to my God …

There is power, in the name of Jesus.

There is power, in the name of Jesus.

There is power, in the name of Jesus.

To break every chain,

Break every chain,

Break every chain.

Because of the lack of time, I am going to skip some of this part of the story to tell you that God did a work in Ty that night. All of the years of praying, reading the Bible to Ty, taking him to church, and teaching him about Jesus led to this night. God did something for Ty that the specialist at Hershey said he would never be able to do … Jesus broke a chain and Tyler was able to verbally ask Jesus into his heart.

A few minutes later, we walked into the house and Ty quietly repeated one word, ‘Heart’ … and almost immediately after that … our electricity came back on and our power was restored.

Children and teens, this is the first and most important truth that I think Ty would like you to understand … something even more important than anything you might learn this coming year in your schooling. The Bible tells us in John 14:6, that Jesus is the way, the truth, and the life.  No one comes to the Father, but by Him. Coming to a place that you understand your need of a savior and asking Jesus into your heart is the most important lesson you can learn. It is my hope that most of you have already taken this step and if not, then I pray the Lord will draw you to Himself and open your means of understanding just as He did for Ty.

But there is one thing more for those of us who have already asked Jesus into our hearts. Remember the booklet of verses I typed up for Ty earlier this year? Well, one of the verses was Philippians 4:13 … in my Bible this reads, “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.”

Now for Ty, I have always used the name Jesus, so in his book of verses, I typed ‘I can do all things through Jesus who strengthens me.’

This particular verse was the one I read most often with him … it seemed to be connecting with him in some way so almost every morning before school, I would get this little book out, point to each word in this verse, and say it slowly to him … hoping that one day, he would start saying some of it himself.

Well … one morning a couple of weeks after he asked Jesus into his heart, Ty woke up on the wrong side of the bed. Do you know what I mean? He was grumpy and he was grumbling and growling around like an old bear. The transition process he was going through at school was very difficult and he clearly did not want to go that day. He was just having a very rough time of it. It was almost time for his van to come so I prayed with him and then grabbed his verses … I turned to Philippians 4:13 and very slowly began reading it to him pointing to each word and pausing to see if he would repeat any of the words.

“I ,,, (pause) … can do … (pause) … all … (pause) … things … (pause) and suddenly before I could say another word, Ty burst out ‘With Jesus!’ as a huge smile transformed his face.

Oh my goodness you guys … the truth of this bible verse hit Ty in that moment and his entire demeanor completely changed. I read through the verse again with him and by the time I was done, his eyes were shining and he was laughing with joy, which continued as he climbed into his school van and throughout his entire day at school.

In the months since, Ty has learned to say that entire verse and while he doesn’t always smile and laugh, it often seems to give him strength and courage in the many difficulties he faces.

So, the second lesson I think Ty would want you to know is this … Having Jesus in our heart is our greatest source of joy and strength as we live out our Christian journey. Have you yet found this to be true in your own life? I hope you learn this lesson and carry it with you for the rest of your life.

Young people … may the very name of Jesus bring such transforming joy to your heart that you are forever changed. As you face the challenges of this school year, I hope you will remember Tyler and his story and I hope you will remind yourself that you too can do all things through Jesus who gives you strength.

Philippians 4:13 “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.”

Technically, the next post I intended to share here was to be the devotional I will be sharing with our homeschool co-op next week (yikes – next week??), but it remains a work in progress.  Today, these are the words I have to offer.

It tends to be our human nature, I believe, to use our past or current circumstances to define just about everything in our lives … even our understanding of God.  It would be far more prudent to switch that around and learn to look to God to define us and the always-changing circumstances we face.

I went with my family on a hastily planned visit to a state park yesterday.  It was about an hour and fifteen minutes from our home and the road traversed through a most beautiful countryside that seemed entirely encircled by mountains.

A trip like this would not have been possible in recent years due to the way my son’s autism has impacted him over the years, as well as, some other challenging family dynamics.  But the Lord has been steadily working in Tyler, causing him to be more open to trying new things and He has been steadily working in me to be more outspoken for my own sake, as well as, for my children.

We took a trip north to a different state park earlier this summer and I had prepared visuals, food motivators, and more to encourage and support Ty for that trip and he was wildly successful, beyond my expectations.  With this trip yesterday however, I didn’t prepare as much … I opted to ‘wing it’ a little and see what would happen.

In the morning after Ty got up and ate breakfast, I got out the cooler so I could pack a picnic and drinks.  Ty’s attention zoomed in on that cooler and to my surprise, he immediately grabbed his favorite walking hat and put on his flip-flops … he didn’t know where we were going but he knew we were going somewhere.  He followed my every step as I packed the cooler and prepared the various items we were taking along … he even helped.  Then I sat at my computer and quickly typed out a social story with some basic steps to tell him what we were going to do and the expectations.  That was the only visual he needed for this trip … just a very simple social story!

Tyler, my daughter, and I hopped into the van and followed my other son and their Dad as they led the way in the other vehicle.  The drive took us on new roads that we had never seen before and my daughter and I were enthralled with the mountains and farmlands just outside our windows.

The state park was not busy at all and we easily found a quiet spot to set up our picnic lunch.  Typically, I will wait beside Ty’s door until he gets out because this has been one of our biggest battles in the past … but I had already read him the social story with the expectation of quietly getting out of the van and I had every confidence that he could handle it on his own so I simply opened his door, asked him to come with us, and then helped carry our gear to a nearby picnic pavilion.  I began to set out the food and would periodically call out to encourage him to join us and within a few minutes, he did just that … all on his own.

We sat as a family and enjoyed a relatively simple picnic as our eyes soaked in the beauty all around us.  Ty finished first and was eager to begin the next step of his social story … a walk.  So we quickly finished, cleaned up, and headed onto a nearby trail which, we were told, would circle around the entire lake and would be perfect for Ty.

My heart was overflowing with joy and contentment as I walked along with all three of my children clustered around me.  At one point, I expressed a sigh of contentment as Tyler reached over and gently took hold of my hand for security … my daughter looked over and breathed out a gentle, ‘Awe…’

We walked the entire trail together and enjoyed the lovely sights of the lake.  My middle son was intent on taking photographs, my daughter simply stayed by my side sharing conversation and tidbits of wit and humor.  We laughed, we conversed, we shared.

Not everything was ideal of course, but I was so encouraged and thankful for these moments because they are rare and fleeting.

Once we got back to our picnic table, Ty grabbed my hand, and led me towards the bathroom … yet another thing for which to be thankful.  Just as I was reaching to open the door, my heart cried out, “God, You are so good!” and it seemed in that brief moment, time seemed to slow down and even stop…

I don’t know how to explain it or if anyone would believe me if I tried … but I had a series of flashbacks.  Quick bursts of memories that flashed quickly past my eyes.  Reminders from the past … memories that I alone carry … days and nights that I long to forget.

Then came a gentle reminder … God was just as good during those dark days as He is now during the mostly better days.  In fact, the very reason I can rejoice freely now in the smallest of events is because I learned to trust Him when I could not see beyond the next step.  I chose to believe Him when there seemed no reason to.

“I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord
In the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; Be strong and let your heart take courage;
Yes, wait for the Lord.”  Psalm 27:13-14

I rejoiced as I entered the family restroom with my son and praised the Lord for the reminder of His faithfulness during the hard days and for the lessons that taught me to rejoice in even the most mundane of tasks and events.

Once you meet God in the darkness, you learn to see Him everywhere. 

My son was ready to come home after that, so he, my daughter and I made the drive back home.  With the memories so fresh in my mind, I allowed myself to walk my way through them and ponder the sorrow of the past.  Silent tears welled up in my eyes and slipped down my cheeks as I remembered them and how my heart thanked the Lord that He has proven Himself to be unchanging during every season and trial of life.

With all of Ty’s growth and progress on my mind, I began to consider all the possibilities for the future … perhaps we could try visiting a grocery store next or maybe he would be open to attending a local Arts Festival … in that moment of joy, the possibilities seemed endless.

For a moment, it seemed the worst was behind me.

Today started much earlier than I would have liked.  By this point of the summer, I am wearied beyond comprehension both physically and mentally.  Yesterday was great fun but it was also exhausting … I wanted nothing more than to sleep in and slowly work myself into the day.  But Ty was awake early and jumped right into things and by the middle of the morning, he was already restless.  I offered, what I thought to be a brilliant suggestion … I thought we should go on his favorite walk at our nearby park.  This has been his favorite thing to do all summer and it seemed the perfect idea for this morning.

Ty seemed open to the idea, so I helped him get dressed and prompted him to put on his socks and shoes.  In just minutes we were at the park and headed towards his favorite trail.  I was silently rejoicing because this park and this trail have been Ty’s happy place all summer … in fact, I even captured a quick image of his sweet smile on my phone, in between texting with my niece about birthday plans for my other son.

All seemed to be well as we began to climb the first part of the trail but soon, it was as if a freak thunderstorm had hit and everything began to fall apart.  Perhaps it was the people walking down on the dam who yelled at their dog (or child?) in irritation?  Perhaps it was something Ty was thinking about? I don’t know but soon Ty began  to express his agitation and upset very clearly.

This behavior caught me off guard but I quickly tried to distract him and encouraged him to keep walking and get back into a happy zone, while I immediately schooled my own anxious thoughts and began to silently sing the first song that came to mind.

“Jesus! what a friend for sinners!
Jesus! lover of my soul;
Friends may fail me, foes assail me,
He, my Savior, makes me whole.

Hallelujah! what a Savior!
Hallelujah! what a friend!
Saving, helping, keeping, loving,
He is with me to the end.”

I realized, as we continued walking, why I always begin to silently sing when Ty gets upset.  It helps me stay focused but it also helps keep me calm … my breathing becomes regulated to the tempo of the melody I am singing.  For me to help Ty through a rough spot, I need to have that focus and calmness.  If I become emotionally entangled into whatever battle is happening inside of him, a little storm can quickly escalate into a monster storm.

We made it to the part of the trail that is Ty’s favorite.  He typically goes into his zone at this point and is relaxed and mellow … but unfortunately, that did not happen today.

I don’t know what was the trigger, nor do I know if there was something I should have done differently, but Ty soon went full-blown into a meltdown … in the woods … a long distance from my van.

Despite all my efforts, it escalated to the point that the only thing I could do was turn him around, get a firm hold on his arm, and forcefully get us through woods, while he exhibited some of the worst of his behaviors.  The folks we met stepped aside as we passed by, the guy boating on the lake stared open-mouthed, but I did what I needed to do to get Ty to a safe place so he could calm down.

As I did so, I remembered the first time he had a complete meltdown at this park.  He was just a little guy and I believe the only child I had with me at the time.  I don’t know what triggered that meltdown either but I remember he completely lost control and I had to pick up his violently thrashing body and carry him away from the area we were in.  I remember getting to an open, grassy place and sinking to the ground as I held him tightly to myself … protecting him from himself and from whatever had set him off.  As he began to settle, a man who, with his young son, had watched the entire thing came near to tell me that his son thought that a bee had scared Ty … and then he looked deeply into my eyes and whispered, “God bless you.”

Ty is almost 18 years old now and his meltdowns are much louder and uglier.  I can no longer pick him up and remove him to a safe place and people are far less likely to reach out with love.

But, with all the strength a desperate mom can muster and a grace that only God could have given, I managed to get Ty to our van without incident.  We were both drenched with sweat and tears from the episode and exertion as we sat quietly with only an occasional sniffle from Ty.  As I started to put the van in gear, I finally noticed the deep trembling that had over taken my entire body.  I shook from head to toe.  I had responded to the crisis as I am well-versed in doing, but now that we were safe, my body reacted.  My hands trembled as I pulled out of the parking lot and the tears slipped from my eyes as I became aware of a sharp pain in my left shoulder and a stiffness that was spreading into my neck and upper back.

However, my heart, while grieving deeply for what had just transpired, was reminded once again of the faithfulness of God … just as I had been yesterday during happier circumstances.  Our trip yesterday had gone beautifully and God seemed so near as I enjoyed the day with all my children.  Today was horrible and even traumatizing but please hear me on this … God was just as close and near to us today.  He was just as good today.  He was just as faithful today in the midst of a frightening public meltdown as He was in the midst of a sweet day filled with joy.

The reminder of His faithfulness was why I could calmly get Ty home without taking his behaviors personally (harder than you think).  That faithfulness was why I could face complete indifference once we got home and I briefly explained what happened.  That faithfulness was why I could immediately turn around and make a quick trip into the  grocery store because my children needed milk.  That faithfulness was why I opted to buy myself a lovely flowering plant that caught my eye and brought a smile to my heart.  I knew I needed comfort and that there would be no earthly comfort for me … but that plant, now sitting outside on my patio table, is a sweet reminder to me of the comfort I find in the faithfulness of an unchanging God.

“The grass withers, the flower fades, but the word of our God stands forever.”  Isaiah 40:8

It is our nature to look at our past and present circumstances and use them to define our lives, our perceptions of our circumstances, and most certainly our understanding of God.  My continual challenge for myself and those around me is to better use our time to learn about and then focus on the unchanging, always faithful, character of our God.

“Have you not known? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He does not faint or grow weary; his understanding is unsearchable.”
Isaiah 40:28

*Our Great Savior hymn written by J. Wilbur Chapman 1910

My younger children and I participate in a local homeschool co-op, which meets for seven classes in the fall and seven in the spring.  One of the ‘requirements’ for the moms in this co-op is to share a brief devotional and lead prayer with the entire group during our initial morning gathering; however, this year, there is going to be a slight change.  The teacher of the senior-high speech class requested that the seniors offer some of the devotionals as part of their class.  This was warmly welcomed by the moms, most particularly those whose senior students would cover their devotional spot in the schedule.

So, a few weeks ago, I sat down to prepare the schedule of speakers for the upcoming school year.  We had seven open spots for the fall session and six seniors so my first step was to begin scheduling them, starting with our second co-op session.  This left me with one open spot for the very first day of co-op.  The next step was to look at my schedule from last school year to see who had been the last speaker on our alphabetical list of names and then determine who would be the unfortunate …. um, I mean, the blessed lady to speak at the first co-op of the year, welcome all the new families, and in doing so, set the tone for the new co-op year.

Guess who that ‘blessed’ lady turned out to be?

Honestly, I stared at my name on the list for several minutes as I contemplated whether it was too late to withdraw us from the co-op.

I’ve always been a runner.  Fight or flight? … oh please, I will always take flight.

If you ever ask me to do something that strikes fear into my soul and see me grow completely still and silent, while my eyes shift ever so slightly … yeah, I am contemplating the distance to the nearest door and how quickly I can get there.

Now granted … I have matured considerably (that and I am getting old) so I rarely take flight anymore, but it is still an immediate instinctive response.  Every time.

So, I mentally endeavored to accept my fate as the first devotional speaker of the year, while immediately informing the Lord that it was really bad timing, I had nothing important to share, and I certainly would not have time to prepare anything of value, so the only option would be to simply read someone else’s words from someone else’s devotional.

I mean … obviously.

I wouldn’t swear to this but I am pretty sure I heard laughter from heaven on that one.

The Lord very quickly and graciously reminded me that He has given me so much to share … much more than I could ever write into one blog post or share in one short 10 minute devotional.

Okay then.  Point taken.  I am definitely old enough and experienced enough to know better than to argue with the Lord.  (I still do sometimes.)

So, I officially typed my name in and I sent the schedule to all the families while inside I continued to churn a bit.  I knew which stories/lessons of my summer with Ty that I was to write and share with the students and I have been tossing them about in my mind as I contemplated how to best present the lesson.  But I was still most hesitant to share it in this setting as my devotional.

I didn’t know why until yesterday.

Ty is entering what technically is his senior year of high school and like most, he will soon be turning 18.  While the other seniors and their families in our co-op and our church will be enjoying the exciting milestones that are so anticipated during this special season of life, we will not.  While other parents will take their seniors to visit colleges, I will be taking Tyler into a courtroom so I can obtain complete legal guardianship and be his caregiver for the remainder of my life.  While other parents are helping their seniors apply for scholarships and getting their senior pictures taken, I will be applying for social security on Tyler’s behalf and putting his name on a long waiting list for hard-to- get waivers to help meet his life-long needs.

I suddenly realized and understood my instinctive need for flight when I looked at that schedule.  Anytime we enter a new season of life that reminds me of the many realities of autism, I tend to walk through a period of grief.  To schedule in these wonderful, neuro-typical seniors so they can verbally share a devotional with the remainder of the co-op was simply one more reminder of something my son cannot do.  But then, for me to be the parent to lead the way for these seniors and present the example of a leader in this situation, seemed too much.  It seemed to ask too much for this mother’s heart that is still trying to navigate this world of autism.

Now, rest assured, if I had shared my heart with the other moms in this co-op, I know some of them would have jumped to my rescue and lifted this first devotional from my shoulders.  I have never met a group of women who are so mindful of my journey and seeking to bless and encourage me and my children.  But I didn’t ask because as soon as I realized the grief that was rising in my soul, the Lord reminded me that He has given me a task … a special purpose.  Something only I can do.

I can’t speak for Ty … but I am privileged to share in his journey to such an extent that I can share what God is doing in his life from a mother’s perspective.

A mother who has been praying and seeking the Lord on her son’s behalf for his entire life.  A mother who has been singularly blessed to be part of a different kind of journey.

There is so much that I could share about what God has done in Tyler’s life (as well as my own) and so much of it is easily relatable to anyone’s  journey.  The Lord reminded me that it came to no surprise to Him that I would be the first one to speak at our co-op and the first one to share.  It was no surprise to Him that I would be the one to schedule in the seniors and that I would be the one to prepare the way for them.  It was also no surprise to Him that my initial response would be one of grief and desiring to retreat into silence. No, in fact, He graciously reminded me that in this place of grief, He was giving me a special privilege and gift.

I get to be Tyler’s representative and I get to share from our combined journey some important lessons that could be of benefit to those who listen.  God has graciously given me the stories that need to be told and the message that needs to be offered … and, much to my surprise, I now find myself wondering how I can possibly fit it all into just 10 minutes!

God has been so good and He is so gracious.  He has been working in the silence and making a way through what often seems a lonesome wilderness experience.

And through it all, He has reminded me that while I often need to be Ty’s voice and representative now, there is coming a day that Ty will speak for himself.  It will either happen on earth or in heaven … but it will happen.

Oh my heart … what a glorious day that will be!

So, I believe my next blog post is going to be some of what I am planning on sharing with the students and parents at our first co-op session.  I’ve decided that writing it out here will help me gather my thoughts into a more clear and concise manner that will hopefully translate well into a verbal presentation.

We’ll see.  Stay tuned and thanks for reading.

When I look at you, I don’t see …

Autism.

When I look at you, I don’t see …

Behaviors.

When I look at you, I don’t see …

A Problem.

When I look at you, I don’t see …

An Inconvenience.

When I look at you, I do see …

My son.

When I look at you, I do see …

A fellow human being.

When I look at you, I do see …

My brother in Christ.

When I look at you, I do see …

A young man with great challenges.

When I look at you, I do see …

A young man who has to work hard every single moment of his life.

When I look at you, I do see …

Someone who is just as valuable and important as anyone else.

I will never understand those …

Who do not see in you what I see.

I will never understand those …

Who do not recognize your need of love and acceptance.

I will never understand those …

Who dismiss you simply because of a diagnosis or behaviors they don’t like.

I will never understand those …

Who walk away … physically and emotionally.

When I look at you, I see the child for whom I have prayed.  I never imagined autism and could never have fathomed the difficulties and changes that diagnosis would bring into my life.  But, you are still the child that I prayed and longed greatly for.  You are the answer God has given.  You are a treasure.  You are a joy.  You have taught me the greatest lessons in life I never could have learned otherwise.

You are important.

You are valuable.

For your entire life, everything has been a battle.  And for awhile, I thought all was lost.

I started to give up.

But Jesus stepped in and He began to move in ways that previously had only been in my dreams.

In the last couple of years, you have made great strides towards your freedom and independence.  And you have worked hard for every bit of progress you have made.

Just in the last couple of months, your ability to communicate has grown considerably…

And you were able to make a step of faith and ask Jesus into your heart.

The battles you fight daily are still just as hard.  You are walking through such a challenging time right now with a massive transition from a classroom and staff that were familiar and comfortable to you into an entirely new classroom with new staff and new routines.  It is hard.  Today was hard.   I’ve been watching you since you came home from school and I could see the stress etched on your face as you withdrew to the solace of your bedroom.  And yet, tomorrow you will get up and walk through it all again.

Have I told you how proud I am of you?

I am.

I admit I cried some tears today.  I’m losing a battle with discouragement and weariness.  It wasn’t because of you … although, maybe in a way it was.  Every now and then, the reality hits me that those who should be closest to us, are the ones who don’t understand you at all.  The ones who could be covering the both of us with love, protection, and support as we walk together this journey of autism, are the ones who seem to keep the greatest distance.  I will cry more tears I know but, as I have been reminded in the last couple of weeks, those who choose not to see you nor acknowledge what God is doing in your life are the ones who are missing out on the blessing.  It is their loss.

Tonight I am wearied by the journey and saddened by those who just refuse to see the real you.  Tonight I am grieved by the difficult day you have had to walk through and the confusion I know you must have felt.  Tonight it feels as though I can’t do this one more day.  Tonight it feels like the burden on my shoulders is a bit too heavy.

But tomorrow, I will remember who really fights our battles.  I will remember the One who promises to never leave us.  I will remember the One who shares the yoke and helps us bear the burden.  I will rise and remember that I can do all things through Him who gives me strength … and I will continue to teach you to do the same.

“I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.”
Philippians 4:13