Loneliness

Why Do I Read the Bible?

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With a focus on approaching this post, I shared two parts previously – if you have not read them, you can find them here -> Come and Dine and The Redeemed Journey.  

**I actually wrote this a few weeks ago but did not have it quite ready to share before a crisis rocked my world.  I am now rewriting portions and finishing it to share, while standing more firmly on the necessity of spending time in and knowing God’s Word.**

 

Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart
Be acceptable in Your sight,
O Lord, my rock and my Redeemer.
Psalm 19:14

 

Why do I read God’s Word?

A number of years ago, I was often tossed about with the storms of life.  My sense of identity was lacking in every way and as I dug deeper in my relationship with the Lord, I began to understand that I had a mostly distorted view of Him and this distorted view was impacting every facet of my life.

The obvious response to this awareness was to open the Bible at the very beginning and start reading.  As I read, I asked the Lord to enlighten the eyes of my heart and help me to know Him better through His Word … and He was faithful to do so.

 “I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened, so that you will know what is the hope of His calling, what are the riches of the glory of His inheritance in the saints, and what is the surpassing greatness of His power toward us who believe. These are in accordance with the working of the strength of His might…”
Ephesians 1:18-19

I began to realize how often we try to define God by our own belief system.  We think a certain way, so therefore, that is how we view God.  We attempt to keep Him in a box based on our own limited understanding.  We want Him to revolve around us and are often prone to elevating ourselves into a position that belongs to Him alone.

The deeper I dug into the Scriptures and the more I read with a heart seeking instruction and understanding, the more in awe I grew of this Holy God.

Wow.  

I was that stunned with the glory and magnificence of the One who proclaimed, ‘I am Who I am’ to Moses. (Exodus 3:14)

 The more I read, the more reverent my behavior and attitude grew towards Him.  The more I read, the less I wanted to argue with Him.  The more I read, the more I was okay with what I didn’t know or couldn’t understand.  The more I read, the more I learned to trust Him in all things.  The more I read, the more I wanted to know … Him.

Even now, as I try to write this words, my soul is thrilled beyond description at the focused reminder of Who God says He is, while I am disheartened by my own inability to translate that into words.

God is that glorious.

Listen, there are going to be an abundance of times when life is not going to make any sense and we may often find ourselves tossed to and fro’ by the storms of this life and/or our own sinful natures.  If I am asked, my response is going to be, read God’s Word.  Don’t read looking for easy answers … don’t read looking for something to make you feel better about yourself … don’t read looking for something to attack another person with … open the Bible with a heart seeking after God.

“Hear, O Lord, when I cry with my voice, and be gracious to me. 
When You said, “Seek My face,” my heart said to You,
“Your face, O Lord, I shall seek.”
Psalm 27:7-8

I read the Bible because I want to know Him.

Why do I read the Word of God?

An interesting thing began to happen as I spent more and more time reading and meditating on the Word.  I began to recognize the voice of my Shepherd.

“My sheep hear My voice, and I know them, and they follow Me…”
John 10:27

There are so many ‘voices’ in this world telling us what is right and wrong, telling us what to think, and surrounding us with their earthly ‘wisdom’.  I admit I was a fairly naive and gullible person for most of my life.  I believed the best of people and simply could not comprehend evil.  I listened to all sorts of voices and by the time I became a more seasoned mother, I realized I was not very wise when it came to discerning the truth.

So for a time, I set aside every book on my bookshelf and I began to only read the Bible, simply because I did not want to hear the voice of man … I wanted to hear what God said Himself.

Oh God, how I long to know You!

During this season, which lasted several years, I was often in the church building but rarely receiving any teaching.  I cared for my children, I cared for my son with autism, I had little to no fellowship, and conversation was limited to occasional times of counsel.

People virtually had no input into my life so I read God’s Word … I prayed constantly … and I listened.

I learned to recognize the voice of my Shepherd.

What a beautiful voice it is.

I read my Bible because I always want His voice to be preeminent above all.

Why do I read my Bible? 

Our human nature and instinct are strong and often become our guiding force as we live our lives.  We are geared towards self-preservation at all costs.  We believe our hearts are good and we make decisions grounded in this belief system.

However, the Bible tells us otherwise.

“The heart is more deceitful than all else and is desperately sick;
Who can understand it?”
Jeremiah 17:9

I know from experience that left to myself, I will always make decisions based on my own desires, wants, and comforts … usually at the expense of those around me and even to my own detriment. Current culture tells us this is the way we should live; In fact, much of current ‘Christian’ culture proclaims this as truth.  Do whatever makes you happy.

As I grew in understanding of who God says He is and as I grew to recognize the voice of my Shepherd, I became increasingly aware of my own deceitful, selfish heart.  I realized that the way I was living and the choices I was making in response to life’s challenges, were rooted in pure selfishness.  So with the Lord’s help, I drew a line in the sand and began making a series of decisions, against my instincts and earthly wisdom, and I chose to follow the example of Jesus Christ.

Then Jesus said to His disciples,
“If anyone wishes to come after Me, he must deny himself,
and take up his cross and follow Me.
Matthew 16:24

“Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me,
for I am gentle and humble in heart,
and you will find rest for your souls.
For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.”
Matthew 11:29-30

Each moment that I looked to Christ as my example on how to deny myself and live sacrificially for Him, I was reminded over and over of the words of our brother Paul …

“I have been crucified with Christ; and it is no longer I who live,
but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh
I live by faith in the Son of God,
who loved me and gave Himself up for me.”
Galatians 2:20

 

I read the Bible so that I may learn how to live, no longer controlled by my nature and instincts, but rather by the example of the cross … a life lived sacrificially and purposefully for His glory.

 

Why do I read the Bible?

The way we live, the words we say, the example we set, do not go unnoticed by others.

I used to believe I was an island.  Since my life was so isolated and my identity so broken, I believed no one saw me or cared.   I did not consider the possibility that others might be watching me.  But it turns out, they are.

My children watch me constantly.  Others, I have been told, are watching me too.  The same is true for you.

Consider this for a moment …

What we feed ourselves, what we allow to settle into our minds, what we think on and meditate on … this is what we will have to give to others.

“Watch over your heart with all diligence,
For from it flow the springs of life.”
Proverbs 4:23

Whether we feed on the wisdom of this world or the wisdom of God, it will be what we have to offer to our children, our families, our friends, and anyone with whom we interact.

It will also be what sustains us or cripples us during seasons of difficulty.

If I regularly feast on sugary sweets and then enter a season of famine, my body will have nothing to sustain it until my next real meal.  I will not have strength even for myself, let alone to offer to others who may depend on me or look to me.

However, if I consistently nourish myself with life-building foods, I will have strength for myself and for those around me until I am able to partake once more.

So, in that light, if I regularly fill myself with earthly wisdom and even much of modern Christian thought, then I am essentially existing on fluff … the spiritual version of sugary sweets.  In seasons of trial and famine, I will suffer even more so because of the lack of life-giving strength they afford.  However, if I am regularly partaking in the nourishment the Word of God offers and walking with Him, I will have a storehouse of wisdom and strength from which to draw when seasons are hard.

I read the Word of God because the fluff of this world will never satisfy what only He can and I want my children and anyone who comes in contact with me to understand that truth and know Him.

 

“To You, O Lord, I lift up my soul.  O my God, in You I trust …
Make me know Your ways, O Lord; Teach me Your paths. 
Lead me in Your truth and teach me, for You are the God of my salvation;
For You I wait all the day.”
Psalm 25: 1,2a,4-5 (nasb)

 

 

 

 

 

 

Come and Dine

/ walkingthisjourneysite / 2 Comments

**This is Part one of a series on focusing on the value and beauty of reading God’s Word.**

 

You’re hungry.

As a pilgrim on a long, and often, arduous journey, you find yourself so weary that you might not even realize how famished you are until a door opens and the first wafting aroma of prepared food hits your senses.

Your stomach growls as your hands begin to tremble.

You step inside and discover a dining table completely hidden beneath the abundance of every wonderful kind of food you can imagine.  Substantial food meant to nourish and strengthen the body.  Nourishing soups, healthy vegetables, hearty meats — foods intended to fuel your body for the demands of the day.

Off to the side you notice another table filled with sugary desserts.  The kind that are appealing and pretty, all sugar and fluff.  Experience tells you they are sweet and easy to eat, but lack the nourishing qualities of the more sustaining, life-giving food at the first table.

Your body craves nourishment but from which table will you choose to eat?

Will you bypass the table of substantial foods to satiate your cravings with sugary fluff from the dessert table, simply because it provides an immediate, yet temporary relief from your hunger and tastes so sweet?  Will you eat your fill of it until you no longer crave anything more?

Or will you sit at the first table and fill your plate and body with meat, vegetables, and fruits until your strength is renewed?

Which will you choose?

No, this isn’t a post about changing our lifestyles, ditching junk foods, or focusing on whole food diets, plant based diets, or anything of the sort.

Friends, what we feed our souls and minds is so much more important that what we feed our bellies.

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*

I grew up in a church that valued the Word of God.  Now, that doesn’t mean how the Bible was interpreted and taught was necessarily always correct, as the church functioned within a strong legalistic-minded belief system.  But there was an emphasis made on the Scriptures and I always had a Bible readily available to me, memorizing significant portions of it throughout my childhood.

However, I did not read my Bible consistently on my own nor did I always understand what I read.  Therefore, as I listened to a message or Bible lesson, I simply accepted what that person said to be truth;  After all, they read a verse from the Bible supporting their thoughts, so it had to be true, right?  I never learned how to study the Bible and certainly questioning anyone was never an option in that environment, but I would do my best to read simply so I could check that duty off of my ‘How to be a good Christian’ to-do list.

The truth of it? Reading my Bible was a chore … a constant source of guilt from not remembering to read it daily or from reading it through the lens of poor theology.

As a young adult, I began attending a new church and eventually married, which began to awaken a hunger for something more.  I found myself in a life that was not being supported very well by the shaky spiritual foundation of my youth.  A variety of books came my way and I began to devour these writings by Christian authors because they flowed so easily and made me feel somewhat better.  I thought I would finally find some answers to the burning hunger inside me.  In the mornings, I would sit at the table with my Bible and these books.  I intended to spend time in the Scriptures but those books were so much more appealing so I was drawn to them first.  I didn’t have to think … I just read the thoughts of another.  They became my bible.

But then life began to grow more challenging and confusing, while the hunger inside of me deepened.   I couldn’t find the answers nor the guidance I needed in those books I was reading.  They weren’t enough.  There was no real substance to them in the face of trial and heartache.  There had to be more.  I turned to my Bible again but often grew frustrated with the antiquated language, the poor theology/teaching of my past, and my overall lack of understanding.

I was starving — spiritually starving.

My spiritual foundation began to shake and crumble into dust beneath me.

One Christmas, I decided to buy my husband a new Bible.  He still used a paperback student Bible from his youth and I thought if he had a different Bible, then maybe, well, maybe something would change.  I asked for guidance from a man in our church and that Christmas, I wrapped up a new study Bible, in a version I knew nothing about, and gave it to my husband.

And you know what? Change did begin to happen … in me.

One morning, out of curiosity, I opened his Bible and began to read familiar passages.  They were the same, yet different.  The clear wording and the study notes at the bottom of each page opened an entirely new world to me and even though there was still so much I didn’t understand, I began to delve into the pages of God’s Word in a way I never had before.  I began to feast at the table God had set before me.  Eventually,  I received my very own copy of the Scriptures like I had bought my husband – I was overjoyed and dug in deeper.

“You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies…”
Psalm 23:5a

 

But life only became more perplexing.  I went from being in church services all the time to sitting in a nursery or backroom with my autistic son and my other babies.  Fellowship with other believers became increasingly more rare as I spent day after day caring for my children and night after night staying awake with my son. My world grew very small until it became a journey of walking through a barren desert of isolation.

This is when God’s Word started to become more real to me.

At the recommendation of someone who expressed concern for me and my children, I visited a different church.  I needed help.  My children needed help. I was desperate.  After one solo visit on a Wednesday evening, I was intrigued by the teaching and began taking my younger children to their kids Bible club program.  Within a short period of time, I moved my whole family to this church.  The clear teaching of Scriptures, whether from the pulpit or in counsel, presented without drama or harshness, drew me in and began the process of building a new foundation in my life and in the lives of my children.  A foundation built on the Word of God.

Ironically enough, life did not become any easier.  I tried to get involved, to be part of the church community and find my niche, but it didn’t work, largely due to the needs of my autistic son.  I made sure my younger children were at every service and every event, but I rarely had the freedom nor the stamina to participate myself.  My world grew smaller as I cared for my son with autism and began homeschooling my other children.  I just could not understand God’s plan in all of this as the journey grew increasingly dark.

This is when the Word of God became my Light and that … changed everything.

“Your word is a lamp to my feet
And a light to my path.”
Psalm 119:105

 

Come and dine, won’t you?

leek and potato soup

Photo by Kaboompics .com on Pexels.com

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Some Golden Daybreak – for me, for you

/ walkingthisjourneysite / 2 Comments

I didn’t have any intention of writing today and rather hoped to withdraw inside myself for awhile … but these words wouldn’t stop until they were written, although hastily written they certainly are.  Perhaps someone else could use them too.

I woke and immediately a sense of sadness began to fill my slowly stirring mind.

My autistic son was heading back to school today and while I should have been relieved to finally get a break, I felt a heavy weight instead.  This holiday break had been challenging … no, actually it was downright hard in many ways.  The first few days weren’t too bad but by the second day after Christmas, everything fell apart.

He can’t tell me what is wrong so I learn by observation, but even at that, I can never assume I know what is happening inside of him.  However, one thing was very evident … he gave every impression of being consumed with anxiety.

Yes, he is on medication.  Yes, I also use supplements for him.

Sometimes, they aren’t enough.

This was one of those times.

By the last evening before his return to school, I was curled up on the couch, unable to fight one more battle.  My heart raced, my chest ached from a heavy weight of grief, I was devoid of strength.  Trying to grasp what I could not possibly understand, while working to support my son and stay ahead of whatever was gripping his mind, was suddenly too much.

I didn’t cry. I couldn’t speak. I just held a blanket against my chest and prayed for bedtime to come.  Relief for us both.

That relief was nowhere to be found when I woke in the early morning hours even as the house rested quietly around me.  I couldn’t escape the memories nor the heavy weight and overwhelming sense of responsibility.

The burden felt too great for my shoulders alone.

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Often, while reading articles or perusing comments to articles or new stories, I find a mocking response towards the ones who seek the Lord in times of distress.

“Religion is a waste of time”, they say. “There is no God.”

Their tone condescending, their words belittling … they deny the very truth we stand on as believers and followers of Christ.

I understand.

Sometimes as believers, even we wonder if what we believe is really true.

Oh, most of us will never admit that but when the storms of life hit and knock you senseless to the ground, a quick instinctive response often rips from the depths of our soul …

“GOD! Where are you?!”

Where is He …

For the widow who weeps alone today, recently bereft of the love of her husband?

For the daughter, who longs for his embrace?

For the mother who prayed and longed for her prodigal child to return for so many years, only to see her go further away?

For the grandma beside the grave of the grandson she raised?

For the heartbroken widow, remarried and finding herself in a horrendous situation?

For the wife waiting for the cancer to win the last round?

For the mother broken with sorrow for a child she doesn’t know how to help?

These are my friends, my family, my sisters in the Lord … the ones in my prayers this morning.

Each has been forever touched by sorrow.

“God! Where are you?”

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We are not alone in our brokenness and one does not need to search long before finding Scripture that seem to echo the very words coursing through us with each beat of a troubled heart …

“Be not far from me, for trouble is near; For there is none to help.”
Psalm 22:11

Give ear to my words, O Lord,
Consider my groaning.
Heed the sound of my cry for help, my King and my God,
For to You I pray.
In the morning, O Lord, You will hear my voice;
In the morning I will order my prayer to You and eagerly watch.
Psalm 5:1-3

 

As the deer pants for the water brooks,
So my soul pants for You, O God.
My soul thirsts for God, for the living God;
When shall I come and appear before God?
My tears have been my food day and night,
While they say to me all day long, “Where is your God?”
Psalm 42:1-3

 

Where is He?

“The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”
Psalm 34:18

 

He is near to you. 

As hard as it is to grasp sometimes when we feel alone in the journey, the Lord does know what we are walking through when seasons of grief and sorrow come our way.  We can find a measure of comfort in that He knows what we are experiencing for He has walked the way of grief as well.

“He was despised and forsaken of men,
A man of sorrows and acquainted with grief;
And like one from whom men hide their face
He was despised, and we did not esteem Him.”
Isaiah 53:3

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I walked into my kitchen just as the sun was breaking over the horizon.  The barren trees stood starkly against the background of dark blues, gentle pinks, and subtle oranges.  The bird feeder swayed quietly from the branches without a single bird to be seen.  This view from my kitchen window drew me outside, despite the frosty chill, until I stood in wonder of a beautiful sunrise after the grief of a weary night.  What a loving God to paint glorious sunrises with the promise of the most beautiful one yet to come.

Some glorious morning sorrow will cease
Some glorious morning all will be peace
Heartaches all ended, school days all done
Heaven will open – Jesus will come.

Some golden daybreak Jesus will come
Some golden daybreak, battles all won
He’ll shout the vict’ry, break thro’ the blue
Some golden daybreak, for me, for you.

Sad hearts will gladden, all shall be bright
Goodbye forever to earth’s dark night
Changed in a moment, like Him to be
Oh, glorious daybreak, Jesus I’ll see.

Some golden daybreak Jesus will come
Some golden daybreak, battles all won
He’ll shout the vict’ry, break thro’ the blue
Some golden daybreak, for me, for you.

Oh, what a meeting, there in the skies
No tears nor crying shall dim our eyes
Loved ones united eternally
Oh, what a daybreak that morn will be.

Some golden daybreak Jesus will come
Some golden daybreak, battles all won
He’ll shout the vict’ry, break thro’ the blue
Some golden daybreak, for me, for you.
(written by Carl A. Blackmore) 

 

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To the ones who would mock and consider me a fool for placing my trust in a Savior they believe doesn’t exist, I’m actually okay with that and I don’t blame you.  I do believe the day will come that you will understand the truth upon which I live.

But to the ones who know the voice of their Shepherd and are walking through a pathway of sorrow, I hope you find encouragement and strength in His Word to face  today.  Tomorrow will take care of itself.

Before my son left this morning, I stood beside him as he sat on his char, waiting for his van to arrive.  I felt powerless and helpless, until I did the only thing I could … I placed my hand on his shoulder and began to pray.  I prayed until my hand moved to the top of his head and my voice broke from the tears as I pleaded with Jesus for more.
“Give him more, Jesus.  Give him more.”

That is my prayer for you today as well.

“Give her more, Jesus.  Give her more.”

Friends, a glorious daybreak is coming when all the sin and sorrow that plagues this earth will cease and Jesus will come to restore what was once broken.  No more autism.  No more cancer.  No more death.  No more grief.  No more tears.

Some golden daybreak, for me, for you.

More

/ walkingthisjourneysite / 2 Comments

We stand at the dawn of a new year.

The time when we diligently make new goals, bravely set (or reset last year’s) resolutions, and in general, feel a need to shake things up.

Make changes or possibly, insist we are fine, just as we are.

In any case, be the master of our own destiny.

But what does that look like for the believer?  For the one who seeks to follow God?

Here are my thoughts … offered hesitantly and humbly.

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As a child, I had hopes and dreams, albeit they were mostly simple and shallow.  For example, driving home from church on a summer Sunday evening and hoping that my Dad would skip the turn to go home and instead go straight towards the local dairy parlor for ice cream.

Their chocolate ice cream was so good!

I never asked him but he knew we always wanted ice cream.  Each drive home from church, I would sit in the backseat, silently wishing and repeating over and over, “Go straight, Dad … please go straight.”

If the car still turned towards home, I would be disappointed but never upset.  I could wish for an ice cream cone all I wanted but, as my father, it was his decision whether or not it was a good time to provide it.

As a child, I was dependent on my father to provide and even when I didn’t understand, I usually trusted him.

Or what man is there among you who, when his son asks for a loaf, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, he will not give him a snake, will he? If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give what is good to those who ask Him!
Matthew 7:9-11

We human beings tend to be independent, rather self-focused creatures, wouldn’t you agree?  We want what we want, when we want it.  We want comfort, security, success, the admiration of others … and more independence.

As a teenager, I often frustrated my Dad because I never told him when I needed something.  When I was driving one of his vehicles, I never mentioned if I needed gas money.  I would simply take money from my birthday stash and put gas in the car.  Some of it may have been family circumstances at the time, but a large part of it was a stubborn independent instinct that had been stirred awake.  If I needed something, I instinctively searched for ways to provide it for myself.  I didn’t want to be dependent on anyone.  I didn’t want to be a bother.  I probably hoped that my Dad would give me gas money, but I certainly didn’t ask.

Not asking became normal.  Discouraging any hopeful expectation became a habit.

So I was surprised many years later, when my current Pastor mentioned that I don’t seem to ask God for very much.  After being a witness and a voice of counsel on my journey for a number of years, he finally said, “Tanya, you really need to learn to ask God for more.”

I was taken aback.

What?  Ask God for more?

Why did that seem so … scary?

Why did my instinct scream that I couldn’t possibly ask God for more?

Well, like many of us, I have very distinct memories of God not answering my prayers.

The desperate prayers of a young teenager who didn’t feel she could face another day as she soaked her pillow with tears each night. 

The heartsick, confused young wife, still staining a pillow with tears as she struggled to understand.

The broken tears of a mother as she watched autism steal her son away.

I couldn’t ask God for more because deep inside, I had stopped trusting Him.

He didn’t answer my prayers the way I had pleaded with Him to do for so many years.

When I begged Him to move life straight forward towards that coveted chocolate ice cream cone, He turned onto a road that led a different direction.  Definitely not where I wanted to go.  He didn’t give me what I asked for and eventually, I stopped trusting Him.  I stopped asking.

Sure, I paid lip service to Him but deep inside, I became more intent on being independent.  I would find a way to survive this life He had given me.  I would do something good with it.  I would say I trusted Him … and yet, I never did as I held tightly onto the reins of my life.

“Tanya, ask God for more.”

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The very nature of my life does not allow for much freedom so the concept of asking for ‘more’ seems counterintuitive and pointless. The details of why this is are not important to this post but my journey has often been one of a solitary pilgrim walking in a hidden, desert place.  I fought this journey for years, desperate for a life that allowed the freedoms that I watched others enjoy.  I resented the restrictions of my life and struggled with a deep bitterness.  I pushed hard to find ways to gain more freedom and independence and, in the process, wore myself out and received no blessing from the Lord.  Essentially, it was more His will to keep me hidden, than flying free. My life began to resemble a bird imprisoned inside a cage.  I longed for freedom but the circumstances of my life were as bars surrounding me, preventing my escape.

I beat my wings against those bars, trying to break my way out until I was completely broken inside.  Then I set about making that bird cage the nicest it could be.  If I had to be stuck, it was at least going to be a noteworthy cage.  But, the One who has allowed all the restricting portions of my life has never allowed me to have my own way.  He purposed to teach me how to live the life I have from the only One who knew how.

Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.”
Matthew 11:28-30

Spending time in the Scriptures, learning of Him, seeking Him in all the hidden details of my life, is bringing about an understanding that far surpasses the God of my childhood.

I have studied His character and I am learning to find rest in His sovereignty and grace.  I am continually learning that God is good.  He is so good to me.


The Lord, the Lord God, merciful
and gracious, longsuffering, and
abounding in goodness and truth.
Exodus 34:6

 

You know, I may have been disappointed when I did not get that chocolate ice cream cone as a young child, but it never changed how I viewed my Dad.  I spent enough time with him to understand his character and that I could trust him even when he didn’t give me what I wanted.

When we invest time in our relationship with the Lord, we learn the character and nature of our God and this is actually what sustains and carries us through the hard seasons of life.  We might not understand the purpose of our suffering but we find all we need when we understand the character of the God who allows it.  When we depend on Him as the source of our strength, He takes on the yoke of our burden and walks beside us on our journey.  He teaches us how to live this life the way Jesus lived His earthly life … sacrificially and honoring to God the Father.

As we live in the knowledge of His character, our response to hardship will change from, “God, why are You doing this to me?” to “God, I trust that You have allowed this in my life so teach me how to walk through it Your way.”

In the last 14 years, God has pretty much taken away every crutch I have ever used to limp my way through this life. He has not answered many of my prayers in the way I wanted.  But instead, He has been doing something else altogether.

During the hardest seasons when I think I can’t take one more step, He is there carrying me through.  When I don’t know what to do next, He provides direction.  When I want to give up, He never lets me.  Sometimes He tarries and lets me wait in silence.  Sometimes He allows me to back myself into a position where I am forced to take an unwanted step … and then I see Him move on my behalf in amazing ways.  His grace sustains me, His strength carries me.

Through it all what remains true is that the character of God is unchanging.  He is good and pure in all His ways.  When we can’t see the way in front of us because of the fiercest storms, we can trust the Captain who guides our ship.

This is what I have learned of my God while waiting as a bird, in a bird cage.

O taste and see that the Lord is good;
How blessed is the man who takes refuge in Him!
Psalm 34:8

So more recently, when I heard our Pastor give a charge to our church body to ask God for ‘more’, it became a thing of beauty as I pondered the past and looked towards the future.  ‘More’ became a word of hope … of promise.

Oh God, I want more of You.  I want to be more of a gentle, quiet, burning candle shining fervently with the light of your mercy, love, and grace.  I want more of You in the lives of my children.  Please God, I want more.  More of a life that is led by You and not by my own fear or selfish ambitions.  I want to be more dependent on You and less dependent on myself.  I want more.  More dying of self and more love for others.  Less of me and more of You.  I want to trust You more when I don’t understand the journey and the loneliness of it threatens to steal my joy away.  I want more of the work of the Holy Spirit in the depths of my being and outpouring in the fruits of my life … even if You are the only One who ever sees.  Oh God, I ask You for more.

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Set all the goals you wish for this upcoming year of 2020 … but my challenge for you, for my children, and for myself is to walk with God more.  Learn more of Him from His Word.  Spend more time in prayer.  Seek more of Him in every detail of your life.  Confess and repent more of sin.  Let nothing stand between you and God.  Die more to self.  Put Him first above all.  Please join me in asking God for more … more of Himself.

“Turn your eyes upon Jesus
Look full in His wonderful face
And the things of earth will grow strangely dim
In the light of His glory and grace.”

bright burn burnt candle

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

 

 

*Turn your eyes upon Jesus – hymn written by Helen Howorth Lemmel

 

Jesus is Still in the Boat

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I took my son to the doctor for a physical this past week.  I know, I know … probably not a news-worthy story to most people.  I understand.  But in my world, this was a matter of significance and great importance.  My son is 18 years old now, of considerable size, has autism … and anything medical related is scary,  But, due to a different need, this physical was required.  You see, my son also has a life-long, intense anxiety regarding dentists, which inhibits even the most basic of exams.  A couple of months ago, I finally learned of and reached out to a new dentist who offers sedation dentistry at a surgical center near their office, well over an hour away from our home.  This dentist specializes in children, but also works with special needs adults … many of whom share my son’s fears.  With the support of his teacher, we attempted a consultation visit with the dentist, which by the standards of most was not successful, but allowed him to be scheduled for sedation.  The dentist assured me that they would take him on as a patient and, with those words, a significant burden began to lift from my shoulders.

The process to be seen for sedation is quite involved, both from the surgery center’s viewpoint as well as, from the needs of my son, so I have been working towards this appointment for the last couple of months.  It has been a stressful but I was so thankful.  For the first time ever, I didn’t feel as alone in this particular battle.  I paid the upfront expenses and scheduled the sedation appointment.  All the pieces were coming together fairly well so that the only major task left was the physical, which was required by the surgery center to clear him for sedation.

Now, my son is only slightly less fearful of doctors than he is of dentists so I was concerned about the success of this appointment; However, medical desensitization is a goal written into his IEP at his specialized autism school.  Staff have been working with him, as I have been, for a number of years and he has made progress.  I was nervous but hopeful the appointment would go well enough that the doctor would be able to supply the information the surgery center needed.

In a situation such as this, all I can do is prepare my son as much as possible, support him every step of the way, pray (pretty much without ceasing), and trust the Lord for the outcome.

My son was successful with this physical in the eyes of the Doctor, his teacher who was there to support him, and especially me.  Even though he refused to allow certain things, we were able to do more than ever before and the doctor cleared him for sedation. We were so proud of him!

I was incredibly thankful as it appeared all was well and going according to plan.  We just had one more week until his sedation appointment and then the worry of his teeth and the weight of this appointment would be behind me … just in time to focus exclusively on the Christmas season.

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I have been reading the book of Luke this advent season, trying to read a chapter a day so that I can finish the account on Christmas Eve.  It is so easy to lose sight of why we observe this most treasured of holidays in the midst of all the bustle of festivities and concerns of this life, so I decided to focus my reading on the birth, ministry, death, and resurrection of Christ. I started out a day behind and, as a result, I ended up reading Luke 5 on December 6th, this past Friday.  Now, I have read the story of Jesus telling Simon to take his boat out to the deep waters and cast his nets countless times before.  It isn’t new to me.  But on this particular morning, as I read Simon’s response, my breath caught and to my surprise, tears filled my eyes.

Now it happened that while the crowd was pressing around Him and listening to the word of God, He was standing by the lake of Gennesaret; and He saw two boats lying at the edge of the lake; but the fishermen had gotten out of them and were washing their nets.  And He got into one of the boats, which was Simon’s, and asked him to put out a little way from the land. And He sat down and began teaching the people from the boat. When He had finished speaking, He said to Simon, “Put out into the deep water and let down your nets for a catch.”Simon answered and said, ‘Master, we worked hard all night and caught nothing, but I will do as you say and let down the nets.’ (verses 1-5)

Wow, Simon’s words reverberated through me with considerable force. I have worked for years trying to help my son.  I would take him to the doctor by myself and those appointments were battles.  Very real battles.  I tried taking him to the dentist and those battles were even uglier.  I would drive him once a week to a dentist office 45 minutes away just to work on desensitizing him by myself.  My attempts to take him places backfired.  Special diets were not helpful.  Special therapies did little.  I rarely, if ever, saw any fruit from the labor.  I grew exhausted from the continual battles and lack of help.  My nets were always empty.

This grew into a discouragement in its rawest form.  Trying to help a child who is not typical in any way and who was unable to respond to my efforts.  Carrying the weight of those nets myself without a single soul to help.  Learning to hide those failures from others because I knew they simply couldn’t relate and often would condemn.  Feeling guilty that my best efforts weren’t enough. Building walls to protect us both. Feeling frightened for the days ahead.

I know a thing or two about empty nets.

But let’s look at what happened when Simon obeyed the command of Jesus, even though his own experience and earthly knowledge must have counselled him otherwise?

“When they had done this, they enclosed a great quantity of fish, and their nets began to break;  so they signaled to their partners in the other boat for them to come and help them. And they came and filled both of the boats, so that they began to sink.” (verses 6-7)

All night Simon and his companions had worked casting their nets into the waters, yet not catching a single fish.  They must have been weary and discouraged with their circumstances and nothing to show for their labor.  But once Jesus stepped into his boat and told him try again, their nets were soon filled to the point of breaking and sinking their boats because of all of the fish!  What was the difference?

Jesus was in the boat.

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*

A few years ago, I sat in my boat and looked at my empty nets.  I was at my end and uncertain how I could possibly face another day.  Then Jesus stepped into my boat and told me to go out into the deep waters once more and cast my nets.   I was undeniably weary from my own efforts so with broken faith, I obeyed the voice of my Savior.  I cast those nets in waters that I had fished countless times before but this time, something odd began to happen.  Over time, doors began to open that had been previously closed.   Support arose from places that had been hidden before.  My son slowly began to mature and make the kind of progress I had given up on ever seeing.  While the journey was (and continues to be) still hard, it was clear that Jesus was in the boat.

As I read the interaction between Jesus and Simon in Luke 5 this time, I became overwhelmed with thankfulness.  My best efforts in the past produced empty nets because even though I prayed, I usually worked in my own sufficiency, while rooted in fear.  But with Jesus in the boat, I have seen full nets on many occasions.  So that morning, as I read Luke 5 and contemplated the upcoming sedation dentist appointment for my son, I hoped for and anticipated the same kind of results.  I was anxious to see a net full of fish.

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*

The surgery center called a few hours later.  As soon as I heard the nurse’s voice, I sensed something was wrong.  It took her a moment before she could say the words … the anesthesia team had reviewed all the information regarding my son and decided they could not accommodate him at their facility.  So, after months of working towards this goal and just one week away from the appointment, they cancelled his sedation surgery.

Shock is really the only word I have for what I was feeling as I listened to the nurse and then the anesthesiologist who explained their reasoning.  As their words echoed through my mind, I could only think of the amount of work, time, prayer, worry to the point of sickness, and lack of sleep that have occurred over these last two months as I have worked towards this long-awaited goal.  I was stunned to have it so abruptly halted without any sense of resolution.  The hope I had felt for the first time was ripped from my grasp.

Heartbroken silence surrounded me as I stood at the edge of my boat, staring blankly into the depths of the waters around me, with nothing but empty nets to show.  I never felt more alone.

But …

Jesus was still in the boat.

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It is advent season, a time to observe and ponder the earthly arrival, ministry, and sacrifice of Jesus, the Son of the Most High.  As a Christian, this is a most precious and joyous time.

In the book of Mathew, the first chapter begins with the genealogy of Jesus and then gives the account of the angel talking to Joseph in a dream as he considered what to do with Mary, his espoused wife.

 “Joseph son of David, do not be afraid to take Mary home as your wife, because what is conceived in her is from the Holy Spirit.  She will give birth to a son, and you are to give him the name Jesus, because he will save his people from their sins.”

All this took place to fulfill what the Lord had said through the prophet: “The virgin will conceive and give birth to a son, and they will call him Emmanuel” (which means “God with us”). Mathew 1:20-23

Emmanuel … God with us.

We often enter this blessed season with great expectations of tidy, neat gifts under the tree, happy children, cooperative and loving families, Christmas plays and cantatas, good will and kindness, and well, perfection.  But what do we do when we enter this season and our realities simply do not match those expectations?  What do we do when we don’t get what we wish for … or even long for?

At this point, I am unsure what to do about meeting the dental needs of my son.  I have learned that people around me simply do not grasp what this journey has been like, even those in my own household, so once more, it feels a lonely and heavy weight.  I threw the nets where I believed the Lord was directing me and yet, here I sit with them empty once more.  In the days since the phone call, I have been praying in the quiet, letting all of this sink in, and considering the next steps, as the name, Emmanuel has been echoing through the silence …

God with us.

Friends, this is our hope always but, most especially during a Christmas season when circumstances are difficult and we are unsure what to do next.  We can remember the fact that Jesus, the very Son of God, humbled Himself and came to Earth in the form of a baby.  We can ponder the works He did and the words He spoke as He walked this world.  We can consider the depth of His sacrifice on the cross as He suffered and died on our behalf so that we could be free from sin and death.  We can rest and rejoice in the fact that He rose from the dead and now sits at the right hand of God the Father, interceding on our behalf.

Because we believe this to be true, based on the Word of God, we are never alone, no matter the circumstances, challenges, or trials we face.  He is our source of comfort and strength.  He will fill our empty nets in His time and in His way.

Emmanuel … God with us.

Jesus is still in the boat.

 

 

Rewiring …

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This blog has been silent for some time now.  I am still here in my little corner of the world and, every once in a awhile, I do open up the blog page, type some words, and then give up.  It simply has not been a season for writing.

It has been a season of difficulty.

It has been a season of transforming growth.

It has a season of walking through various storms.

It has been, and continues to be, a season of developing the discipline of obedience.

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I have mentioned a number of times in the course of writing and sharing my thoughts, that I am prone to being a fearful, anxious sort of person.  I have also shared the lessons the Lord has taught me on this life’s journey as I have battled these tenacious foes of mine.

This isn’t a competition but it might be helpful for readers to realize that I am not speaking lightly when I say that my life is rooted in fear.  It has been from the get-go.  As a infant/toddler, loud noises and especially loud men would startle me into hysterics.  Social fears thrived before I even knew what fear was.  I searched for safety wherever I could find even the vaguest hint of it and when it eluded me, I shut down inside.  Life as a teenager, navigating the public school setting, while being a part of an ultra-conservative, legalistic church, and growing up in a family where there certainly was love, but also much brokenness and grief, was challenging for a frightened young person like myself.

I am now 46 years old and as I look back over the course of this lifetime, I recognize that every life decision I have ever made, has been rooted in fear.  Every decision was, in actuality, a desperate and frantic grab for security.  I have spent a lifetime seeking safety.

In light of that, it should not come as a surprise that I have long battled anxiety, depression, and intense fear for most of those years.  It should come as no surprise that my mind simply could not function in adulthood when life began to shatter beneath the weight of past experiences and expectations, the results of my poor life-decisions, and added stressors and demands, such as autism, motherhood, and isolation.

I am a believer – a child of the Living and Holy God.  He gave me a new heart when I asked Him into my life as a six year old child.

I still lived with constant fear.  I did not know anything different nor how to be different.

I have cried out to Him since I was a child and pleaded with Him to change my life …  to change the circumstances so I would not have to live in so much fear. But He never changed my life and in fact, allowed it to become considerably harder…

Because it was not my life that needed changed … it was me.

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Twelve years ago last month, we moved into our present home.  It is a rather dilapidated old farm house that sits on top of four lovely acres of land.  I love my home however, once we moved in, we began to experience a number of electrical issues.  We realized that the wiring of this house had never been updated and much of the house still functioned with an old-fashioned, fuse-style system.  It was a system that serviced the house well enough many years ago, but with the heavy demands of a modern young family, which included an autistic child who always needed the lights and television on, it had trouble keeping up.  Fuses would blow constantly, which would require a trip to the dark and creepy basement to replace.

After numerous issues and with much prompting, my husband and a family friend put in a new and updated breaker box, disconnecting that old fuse box for good.  The wiring into the new breaker box was neat, everything was labeled, and for a time, our electrical issues were a bit more quiet.

But over time, other issues began to arise.  The old wiring in the electrical outlets couldn’t handle the demand placed on them and a number of times, we would smell the wires burning inside of them.  My husband, given his natural approach to life, would simply disconnect that outlet and place electrical tape over it, as opposed to replacing and fixing the problem.   We learned the relatively ‘safe’ demands of certain outlets and which kitchen appliances could not be used at the same time and which light switches should be avoided.  In time, it became abundantly clear that while the breaker box was new, the wiring throughout the rest of the house was all old … prone to overloading and dysfunction, unable to cope with the heavy demands and stressors our modern lives have placed on it.

Frankly, my home needs to be completely rewired.

In an ideal world, we would be able to do just that, but in our reality, it simply isn’t possible.  However, over the years, as issues arise, others have stepped in and helped replace some of that old wiring.  Some things work better but there is still much to do.

So we have a new breaker box and an old wiring system that is slowly being transformed, all with the understanding that we will always been working on it.

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Are you catching where I am going with this?  Jesus gave me a new heart as a child, but because we live in a broken world, my old wiring is still in me and quite faulty.  I lived much of life reacting and responding with this faulty wiring system and, as the demands of life grew greater, that old system simply couldn’t keep up.

I did what was necessary at the time, which included medication and counseling.  But in my situation, that mostly only had the affect of disconnecting a burning outlet and covering it electrical tape.   The platitudes and mostly shallow words of a therapist sometimes provided a temporary relief, as did the comforting Bible verses I clung to and my often self-focused prayers.  Unfortunately however, none of it ever addressed the real issues … the faulty wiring hidden inside the walls I had built to protect myself so long ago.

Then I gave birth to my third child, my long-awaited daughter.  I was barely surviving as I pushed through those days with the heavy demands of a four year old autistic son who never slept, an 18 month old son, and a newborn daughter.  I did not have help and honestly, I can’t even remember those days.  I was ‘surviving’ but the fragile infrastructure inside of me was imploding.  The old wiring and my old way of thinking and responding to life was destroying me from the inside out.

Then the One who had sacrificed His life so that I could have a new heart and a new life stepped in once more and over the course of the last ten or so years, I have been in a rewiring process.  As issues arise, the Lord — and certain people He placed in my life — have been quietly and behind the scenes, walking me through learning to recognize the faulty systems and then guiding me to seek and obey His expertise and wisdom.  The Lord has often replaced my old wiring with His wiring … changing the way I perceive situations in life and how I respond.  It has been a long, slow, and often painful process … but it is the process necessary to be transformed.  This is what the Apostle Paul writes of in Romans 12: 1,2 …

“Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy,
to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—
this is your true and proper worship.
Do not conform to the pattern of this world,
but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.
Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—
his good, pleasing and perfect will.”

 

This is what the Christian journey is about.  It absolutely has been the very definition of my journey … being transformed for the glory of God, as I am called to die to self and my old wiring, and then coming alive and changed in Him and by His grace alone.

 “I have been crucified with Christ; and it is no longer I who live,
but Christ lives in me;
and the life which I now live in the flesh I live
by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself up for me.”
Galatians 2:20

 

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This is why I have been silent lately.  The rewiring process over these last months has been especially intense and increasingly difficult.  I have had to face and deal with certain situations that were reaching crisis level because I have avoided them for so long.  I have had to confront others and I have had to confess and repent of my own hidden bitterness.  Each day I have been facing what appear to me to be insurmountable tasks and challenges … and in each of these, I am learning to be obedient to the Lord.  I simply do the next thing and trust Him to provide and handle the rest.

I am coming to trust completely in the faithfulness of the Holy God who has never allowed me to stray too far and has loved me beyond my comprehension.

Do I still feel fear?  Absolutely.  Fear is my ‘thorn in the flesh‘,  but what I am learning now is that it teaches me a humble reliance on my Savior.  Instead of responding to it with my own instincts, He is teaching me to trust Him in my weakness and to be responsible for my responses.  If I need some support, I seek it out, whether it be Godly counsel or something else.  More than anything however, I am finding strength, help, and encouragement from the Lord and often challenging words from Scripture such as these from the Apostle Paul in 2 Corinthians 12:7-10 …

“Because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations, for this reason, to keep me from exalting myself, there was given me a thorn in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to torment me—to keep me from exalting myself! Concerning this I implored the Lord three times that it might leave me. And He has said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.” Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ’s sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong.”

 

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Speaking of fear in this manner is hard … much more so than I can express in this present season of life.  But more than anything, I desire to honor this amazing, gracious, and loving God who sustains me through every day and I long for others to see and know His transforming love as well.  So therefore, I will boast of my weakness so that the power of Christ may dwell in me … 

 

**As you read these words, consider that this is only a dusting, a very topical writing, of my personal journey.  There is so much more that simply doesn’t fit in a blog post.  Our journeys and our stories will be different, but maybe you’ll find something worth gleaning within these words.  If nothing else, I hope I have pointed you towards God … the only One who can change and transform broken lives, creating His beauty from our ashes.**

All to Jesus I Surrender?

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Many of us who grew up in more conservative churches are likely familiar with the old hymn, ‘All to Jesus I surrender‘ as it was often part of countless altar calls at the end of services.  However, even as a young person, whether I was singing along in the congregation or providing the accompaniment with the piano, I struggled with the words.  The words of this hymn are serious and intentional, which caused me to worry about singing them glibly or lightly.  I was concerned the day would come that God would challenge me with them.

He has.  Over and over.

What follows is something I wrote a number of years ago during a particularly rough season with my autistic son.  It popped up in the memories of my Facebook today and I thought I would share them here as I once again ask the Lord … Is this really how I live?

 

‘All to Jesus, I surrender, All to Him I freely give.’
But, truly God, I have to wonder,
Is this really how I live?

If I would ask the folks around me
What they see me say and do,
Would they even be able to notice,
If I’ve surrendered all to you?

And You, dear Lord,
The One who claims me for His own
You see my hidden places
You know my secret thoughts

When I sing those words so lightly
Without thought or regards to You
What do You think, my Father,
Are the words I sing even true?

I sang those words last night,
Or at least, I really tried.
But all I could see
Were the parts of me not yet crucified.

The hidden places,
The silent thoughts,
The broken dreams,
The prideful heart.

I gazed into my soul
And frankly was dismayed
For it is certainly very clear
That wholly surrendered, I am not

So, dear Lord, I think the song for me
Really needs to be
‘All to Jesus, I long to surrender
Teach me Savior to freely give’

For honestly, dear God,
I can’t do this on my own
But I know that You can change me
And make my life, your own.

 

*All to Jesus I Surrender written by Judson W. Van de Venter (1855-1939)*

Be Still My Soul

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Are you facing a situation where you felt truly defeated and maybe even a bit hopeless?

Day after day … month after month … year after year …

You have prayed, wept, read and applied the truth in God’s word, dealt with your own sin and shortcomings, sought Godly counsel, and applied said counsel time and time again…

And while God has changed you in the process and the gratitude within you cannot be feigned, you find the burden of the situation continuing to bring sorrow after sorrow.

Hopelessness begins to settle over your heart like a dark cloud and the tears in your eyes like its teetering raindrops.

What hope have we as believers when the trials of life seem overwhelming?  What should our response be as followers of the Christ who Himself bore sorrow after sorrow on our behalf?

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I stared at the waters as I walked alongside the lake near my home.  The clouds overhead were gray and dense as their rain droplets threatened to fall.  To a certain degree, my thoughts were just as heavy and pensive as I pondered and prayed and yet, I couldn’t help but notice the peaceful stillness of the water beside me.

A familiar passage of Scripture stirred in my heart and I began to softly murmur the words King David penned so long ago in what we now know as Psalm 23 …

“He makes me lie down in green pastures;
He leads me beside quiet waters.
He restores my soul;
He guides me in the paths of righteousness
For His name’s sake.”

  71148758_10214886291211530_6589080414520868864_o

 

I gazed over the stillness of the lake as the words, “He leads me beside the quiet waters. He restores my soul.” echoed as a gentle and grounding reminder to look to Him for strength for each challenge,
healing for each sorrow, and rest for the weariness.

 

 

As I continued along, an old hymn rose from the memories of my past and awoke a melody in my spirit as some of the words whispered through my mind …

“Be still, my soul: the Lord is on your side;
bear patiently the cross of grief or pain;
leave to your God to order and provide;
in ev’ry change he faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul: your best, your heav’nly Friend
through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.”

Sometimes I love when the Lord does this and sometimes … I am not as pleased.

I want Him to do something.  I am weary of this situation in my life and I am weary of walking through it alone.  This time as I prayed, I wanted a firm reassurance that He was going to do something.  I wanted a sign from heaven that my life would somehow become easier.

Instead, I heard, ‘Be still.’

I heard, ‘Bear patiently the cross of grief and pain.’

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Tiny raindrops began to fall from the sky as my walk was nearing the end.  Whether my face was damp from those raindrops or the ones from my eyes, I do not know.

But perhaps you will read with me another verse from this hymn and consider how these words point us to our true hope in the storms of life …

 “Be still, my soul: your God will undertake
to guide the future as he has the past.
Your hope, your confidence let nothing shake;
all now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul: the waves and winds still know
his voice who ruled them while he dwelt below.”

Not much is known of the writer of this hymn, aside from her name, that she was born in 1697, and that she seemed to have lived a mostly solitary life in a religious convent. These words, her only hymn to be translated into the English language, remind us to focus our minds and hearts on the God who has proven Himself faithful in the past and who continues to guide us in all of our tomorrows.  We are reminded to let nothing in this life shake our confidence, and yes, even our hope, in His love and care.

Even when we do not understand, He is good.

Be still my soul.

 

Sometimes we want things we were not meant to have.
Because He loves us, the Father says no.
Faith is willing not to have what God is not willing to give.
Furthermore, faith does not insist upon an explanation.
It is enough to know His promises to give what is good – 
He knows so much more about us than we do.
~Elisabeth Elliott~

 

 

*Be Still my Soul ~ written by Kathrina von Schlegel (hymnary.org)

Dear Self …

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“Watch over your heart with all diligence, for from it flow the springs of life … Let your eyes look directly ahead and let your gaze be fixed straight in front of you.  Watch the path of your feet and all your ways will be established.”
Proverbs 4:23,25-26

I have another blog post or two in the works that I thought I would be sharing by now but these last days have just been so heavy, I’m not ready to share those yet.  I actually wasn’t going to write at all, but I decided that I needed to write to myself tonight.

I have to remind myself who God is.

I have to remind myself who I am in Him.

I have to remind myself that evil will not win in the end.

I have to remind myself that I can’t fix everything, nor should I try.

I have to remind myself that despite the horror in current news, despite the gossip and bitter lies I read on social media, despite the personal grief I am carrying in my own heart …

I have to remind myself about the truth of the goodness of my God.

“I shall remember the deeds of the Lord: Surely I will remember Your wonders of old. I will meditate on all Your work and muse on Your deeds.  Your way, O God, is holy; what god is great like our God?  You are the God who works wonders; You have made known Your strength among the peoples.”
Psalm 77:11-14 

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I sat at my desk for hours today trying to plan out the upcoming school year.  I will have a ninth grader and a tenth grader that I am homeschooling, while my oldest son will continue at his private autism school.  There are so many demands, variables, and changing factors in my family’s life, which fall on my shoulders, that it often seems an impossible task to plan and keep life running somewhat smoothly.  So today I thought, I planned, I read, but mostly I stressed silently inside until I made myself almost sick.

I listened to my own anxious thoughts as I looked at all the papers scattered about, the books, the syllabuses, the plans, and the 100 open tabs on my lap top, before I finally stopped.

This is exactly what I am not supposed to do.

I have a bad tendency to try and figure everything out on my own until I find myself crushed beneath the weight of my own expectations.

I have to remind myself that the Holy Spirit who lives in me will guide and direct the way as I lead my children on our mutual journeys through life.  I don’t have to carry these burdens alone and I don’t have to have all the answers to all the uncertainties of life.

I just have to follow where He leads.

“Search me, O God and know my heart; Try me and know my anxious thoughts; And see if there be any hurtful way in me, and lead me in the everlasting way.”
Psalm 139:23-24

 

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When I look at the darkness around me and feel the weight as I have been lately, it is easy to give into despair and entertain a sense of hopelessness…

When my oldest son struggles with his moods and behaviors…

When I fear the future…

When my other children ache beneath the load they have been called to bear…

When I hear a diagnosis …

When the loneliness of a isolated journey threatens to crush the very breath out of my lungs…

When I am tempted to complain …

When I feel second-best …

When I feel unwanted …

When evil seems to win …

I remind myself who God is.

I take my eyes off of me and the circumstances I face, and I look to the very One who chose me, died for me, and indwells me today.  He changes my perspective as He fills me over and over again with His endless supply of strength and grace.

“Nevertheless I am continually with You; You have taken hold of my right hand, With Your counsel You will guide me, and afterward receive me to glory.  Whom have I in heaven but You?  And besides You, I desire nothing on earth.  My flesh and my heart may fail, But God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.”
Psalm 73:23-26

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So here I sit after a time of remembrance, reflection, repentance, and confession and my outlook is different.

The circumstances have not changed and when I step away from my computer tonight, some of the weight will still be pressing on my soul.

But I make a choice to follow my God and His ways …

And trust Him in the midst of it all.

“Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.  The the Peace of God which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.  Finally brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things.”
Philippians 4:6-8

 

Dear Self … Press on.

Dear Reader … Press on.

A Single Thread in the Greatest Tapestry of All

/ walkingthisjourneysite / 3 Comments

As a young girl, I loved to do embroidery and cross-stitch. There was something  exhilarating about creating a design from thin pieces of string, a needle, and material.  To this day, though I rarely do any sort of crafting myself, I find myself drawn to the beauty of art created by thread.  The details a true artist can make come alive and the stories that can be told through this exquisite art form are mesmerizing.

Now, here is something I’ve been thinking on lately … when I look upon a tapestry and observe the picture or story being presented, I always notice the use of color and I usually notice the various stitching utilized.  But I never pay particular attention to any one thread or string used.  The story and the beauty of the piece will cause me to search for details about the creator and ponder the skill they possess.  But never do I ponder or seek information about one particular piece of thread that is used in the overall design.

I have yet to point to an individual thread and say, “Wow! That piece of thread is amazing!  Look how it sewed itself into the material!”

No, I will look at the tapestry and say, “The creator of this piece must possess exceptional skill to create such beauty with simple pieces of thread.”

I believe I can say with confidence that neither does a single thread draw attention to itself nor claim the glory for the masterpiece.

The creator receives the glory … not the thread.

Without the artist, the thread can do nothing.

 

blue blur close up craft

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When my first born began to exhibit significant developmental delays many years ago and received the diagnosis of autism, I prayed constantly for his healing.  I sang praise songs, I spoke verses over him, and I was convinced that I knew the will of God for him.  We certainly were not to be ‘held back’ with the diagnosis of severe autism and I could not see how anything less than a full healing could possibly be the will of God.

Over the years, the severity of his autism continued to grow and significantly impact not only his life, but my own and the rest of our family.  Despite all I tried to do to ‘fix’ his symptoms, little progress was made and the journey grew incredibly hard and isolating.  Family and friends could not relate or understand this reality and I began to hide as I grew discouraged and overwhelmed with a sense of failure.

“Did I not have enough faith?”
“Did I not do enough?”
“Is the severity and impact of my son’s diagnosis all my fault?”

I truly believed it was.

It was when I reached the very end of trying to weave my own version of our story that the Lord picked up the threads.

“My life is but a weaving between my God and me. 
I cannot choose the colors, He weaveth constantly.

‘Oft times He weaveth sorrow; And I in foolish pride
Forget He sees the upper, and I the under side.”

 

The journey since then has been considerably different.  The Lord has often done what I could not.  He has opened doors that were formerly closed, however, He has also allowed others to remain closed.  My son is not ‘healed’ of  autism and yet, he has grown.  The Lord has walked me personally through many steps of spiritual maturity and growth and, as a result, He has allowed me the privilege to teach those same lessons to my children.  Not because He cured my son of autism … but because He is working through my son and his autism.  The difficulties, the hard parts, the dependence on One greater than ourselves … these are the very things that cause us to grow, to change, to look continually towards the Savior.

Often, given the nature of my life and the lack of impact I feel I have in my church and community, I feel insignificant.  I feel like I haven’t done enough … or that I am not good enough.  I believe the story and testimony of another must be of more value than my own.

However, I’ve come to view life as a series of threads that God is weaving into a masterpiece tapestry that He has been crafting since Genesis 1:1.  The thread of one is not greater or of more value than another.  Rather, each become intricately linked together as the Father weaves a story that, for now, we can only partially see.

Remembering that the one to receives the glory is not the single thread, but the Creator of the tapestry.

For the thread, without Him, can do nothing.

Not ’til the loom is silent and the shuttles cease to fly
Will God unroll the canvas and reveal the reasons why

The dark threads are as needful in the weaver’s skillful hand
As the threads of gold and silver in the pattern He has planned.

 

My son woke early one morning this week, upset and out of sorts.  I startled awake and quickly clambered out of bed, wrenching the very knee I just had surgery on.  I limped about, feeling a bit discouraged as I pondered the reality of this life.  But as I helped my son get ready for his day, I began singing softly to myself, without much thought of the song that left my lips.

There is power in the name of Jesus
There is power in the name of Jesus
There is power in the name of Jesus

To break every chain
Break every chain
Break every chain

Suddenly my son locked his eyes on mine and my mostly non-verbal son said one word… ‘Swing.’ 

Everything stopped in that moment as the significance of that one word rolled over me.

One year ago I sat outside on our porch swing with my son as we waited for electricity to be restored after a storm.  I remember it was such a difficult time as I sang those very words to my son just before the Lord led me to present the gospel and his need of a Savior.

One year ago, I sat on the swing and led my son to Jesus.

The memory of that unbelievable moment still fills me with wonder because at one time, it seemed an impossibility.

As I recollected this, our eyes remained locked together as I said, “Yes, you remember that I sang that song to you as we sat on the swing and that was when you asked Jesus into your heart.  You remember that?”

His eyes remained on mine … and he smiled.

 

He knows, He loves, He cares;
Nothing this truth can dim.

He gives the very best to those
Who leave the choice to Him.
(The Tapestry Poem by Corrie ten Boom)

 

You know, I don’t know how different our lives might be had God answered my prayers the way I wanted Him to many years ago.  But this journey has taught me that my story is not mine alone.  The thread of my life is not mine alone to determine the course.  When left in the hand of the Father, the thread learns to actively follow where it is led and in His hands, I have found, is no better place to be.

Some day, we will get to hear the story in its entirety and see the tapestry complete … and then we’ll understand.

For now, I am content to trust Him and follow where He leads.

A single thread in the greatest tapestry of all.

accessory bobbin close up clothing

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