Sin

Tracing His Rainbow Through the Rain

/ walkingthisjourneysite / Leave a comment

I entered my morning of meetings somewhat cautiously, nervous about the things we would be discussing and unsure of what lies ahead for my son.

My oldest child is severely impacted with autism and he attends a private autism school almost an hour from our home.  On this particular morning, I had many questions as his teachers and I discussed the progress of this past year and the changes in store for the year(s) ahead.

My son is 18 years old and typically young people this age would have graduated high school earlier this year and would be getting ready for college, trade school, or the workforce.  But given the extent of his autism and the depth of his needs, my son will continue in his present school setting until the age of 21.

I would be lying if I told you I was completely okay with this.

I would be lying if I told you that watching his neuro-typical peers graduate high school, have beautiful senior pictures taken, attend prom, and be recognized for their achievements didn’t stir any sadness at all in me.

I would also be lying if I said I was completely unfazed by the ones presently heading off to college and new adventures.

I have been troubled, but I have hidden it.  I wouldn’t even allow myself to think about it over these last months. I told myself it was just one more milestone that is triggering a sense of grief but, because I felt guilty for the sadness and didn’t want to invite any pity, I blocked it.

Yet, on this day, as families around us were taking their children for their first year of college, I was sitting in meetings discussing medication, significant behavioral issues, basic first grade math and reading skills, another year of school, and a very uncertain (i.e. frightening/unknown) future for my eighteen year old … and I was torn.

I felt torn as my deeply hidden grief wrestled with my desire to live thankfully.  My son has been in this wonderful school for only a few years but the growth has been significant.  I know that many who are as severely affected as he, do not have this kind of support/instruction and I remember well how God had led us to this point.

I have much for which to be thankful.

*
*

Yet, as I listened to the teachers explain about his new classroom and the new program he would be entering with the start of the school year, I felt a sense of anxiousness.  He is entering a special program that his school has developed to help prepare their students for life after school.  It will be a big step and will bring a lot of changes and new challenges.

I learned that part of the program includes work-based learning and specialized staff will find various volunteer work for him to do so they can expose him to a variety of skills and learn what kind of work he will enjoy the most.

I also learned that we have other new members on his team including a career developer and a career specialist.  These two will be focused completely on learning all about my son, working with area businesses, and developing a ‘career’ especially designed for him with special considerations for his abilities and needs.  The hope is that, once he does graduate at 21, he will already be settled in a suitable job situation.

As all of this new information swept through my mind, I had a moment where the Lord spoke quietly into my thoughts.  He knows every step of the journey leading up to this moment, He knows every drop of sadness I have been hiding, and He knows the fears I have for the future … and as I considered all these things and more, I found myself saying out loud, “Tyler gets his adventure too.”

His peers are heading off to college or entering the military or workforce.  Their years of schooling have prepared them for their next step in life.  These last few years have also prepared my son for his next step in life and while it may look different from the typical young adult, it is still new … a step forward.

Yes, it requires an entire team of school staff, specialists, anxiety medication, behavioral therapy, speech therapy, occupational therapy, and considerable time, work, patience, and perseverance … but God has been preparing us for this season of life as well.

*
*

That evening, as I pondered the years a whole and reflected on the information shared in the meetings, these words came to mind  ~ ‘Trace the Rainbow Through the Rain’ ~  It almost seemed a command from the Lord so I began to pray as I sang this verse of the song, ‘O Love that will not let me go’

O Joy that seekest me through pain, 
I cannot close my heart to thee; 
I trace the rainbow through the rain, 
And feel the promise is not vain, 
That morn shall tearless be.

 

This is the verse that always brings a mist to my eyes when we sing it in our church service.  These are the words that best describe my personal journey through, not only loving and raising a child with autism, but so many other challenges as well.

And these were the words the Lord brought to mind in this moment.

I began to ponder the years past and considered all that God had done in the midst of some incredibly difficult seasons.  I considered the present and the very real hard situations that continue to be a part of every day life and even though there are hardships that must be faced daily, the presence of God has been and continues to be unmistakable.

I have learned that grief and peace can travel hand in hand when one walks with God.

I have learned that He is there even when He seems silent.

I have learned that He is working even when all seems lost.

I have also learned that life doesn’t always go the way we would like.

I traced His rainbow through the rain and lifted my eyes once more to the One who holds my life in His hands … and I know His promises remain true on both the stormy days and the ones filled with sunshine.

*
*

I don’t know what difficult situation you might be facing or what may lay hidden in your past, but I can well imagine.  Maybe there are significant dysfunctional family issues.  Maybe a family member who is living with addiction and continually making choices that destroy their lives and hurt their loved ones.  Maybe there is a long-term harmful cycling of behavior in a broken marriage.  Maybe it is a personal issue of sin that you just can’t seem to conquer.  Maybe a heart-breaking diagnosis and the loss of one you hold dear.  Maybe it is a combination of many of these things, as is true for me, or maybe something so much harder.

If you are a follower of Christ, then I invite you to also take some time and trace His rainbow through the rains of your own life.

It is a worthwhile exercise and it serves as a reminder to be thankful for His past mercies and to trust Him for every tomorrow.

 

~”O Love that will not let me go” written by George Matheson~

Dear Self …

/ walkingthisjourneysite / Leave a comment

“Watch over your heart with all diligence, for from it flow the springs of life … Let your eyes look directly ahead and let your gaze be fixed straight in front of you.  Watch the path of your feet and all your ways will be established.”
Proverbs 4:23,25-26

I have another blog post or two in the works that I thought I would be sharing by now but these last days have just been so heavy, I’m not ready to share those yet.  I actually wasn’t going to write at all, but I decided that I needed to write to myself tonight.

I have to remind myself who God is.

I have to remind myself who I am in Him.

I have to remind myself that evil will not win in the end.

I have to remind myself that I can’t fix everything, nor should I try.

I have to remind myself that despite the horror in current news, despite the gossip and bitter lies I read on social media, despite the personal grief I am carrying in my own heart …

I have to remind myself about the truth of the goodness of my God.

“I shall remember the deeds of the Lord: Surely I will remember Your wonders of old. I will meditate on all Your work and muse on Your deeds.  Your way, O God, is holy; what god is great like our God?  You are the God who works wonders; You have made known Your strength among the peoples.”
Psalm 77:11-14 

*
*
*

I sat at my desk for hours today trying to plan out the upcoming school year.  I will have a ninth grader and a tenth grader that I am homeschooling, while my oldest son will continue at his private autism school.  There are so many demands, variables, and changing factors in my family’s life, which fall on my shoulders, that it often seems an impossible task to plan and keep life running somewhat smoothly.  So today I thought, I planned, I read, but mostly I stressed silently inside until I made myself almost sick.

I listened to my own anxious thoughts as I looked at all the papers scattered about, the books, the syllabuses, the plans, and the 100 open tabs on my lap top, before I finally stopped.

This is exactly what I am not supposed to do.

I have a bad tendency to try and figure everything out on my own until I find myself crushed beneath the weight of my own expectations.

I have to remind myself that the Holy Spirit who lives in me will guide and direct the way as I lead my children on our mutual journeys through life.  I don’t have to carry these burdens alone and I don’t have to have all the answers to all the uncertainties of life.

I just have to follow where He leads.

“Search me, O God and know my heart; Try me and know my anxious thoughts; And see if there be any hurtful way in me, and lead me in the everlasting way.”
Psalm 139:23-24

 

*
*
*

When I look at the darkness around me and feel the weight as I have been lately, it is easy to give into despair and entertain a sense of hopelessness…

When my oldest son struggles with his moods and behaviors…

When I fear the future…

When my other children ache beneath the load they have been called to bear…

When I hear a diagnosis …

When the loneliness of a isolated journey threatens to crush the very breath out of my lungs…

When I am tempted to complain …

When I feel second-best …

When I feel unwanted …

When evil seems to win …

I remind myself who God is.

I take my eyes off of me and the circumstances I face, and I look to the very One who chose me, died for me, and indwells me today.  He changes my perspective as He fills me over and over again with His endless supply of strength and grace.

“Nevertheless I am continually with You; You have taken hold of my right hand, With Your counsel You will guide me, and afterward receive me to glory.  Whom have I in heaven but You?  And besides You, I desire nothing on earth.  My flesh and my heart may fail, But God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.”
Psalm 73:23-26

*
*
*

So here I sit after a time of remembrance, reflection, repentance, and confession and my outlook is different.

The circumstances have not changed and when I step away from my computer tonight, some of the weight will still be pressing on my soul.

But I make a choice to follow my God and His ways …

And trust Him in the midst of it all.

“Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.  The the Peace of God which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.  Finally brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things.”
Philippians 4:6-8

 

Dear Self … Press on.

Dear Reader … Press on.

Thoughts From My Flower Beds

/ walkingthisjourneysite / Leave a comment

In the silence of the early morning hours, I slipped outside with a mug of hot coffee in one hand and my gardening gloves in the other.  With a sense of purpose to my steps, I made my way down to the bank in front of my home and beside the road.  It was this bank that sat neglected for years until I decided to tackle it this past spring.   I wrote a little about that process here -> Where Beauty Dwells

When I finished that job a couple of months ago, it was the neatest it had ever been.  The weeds were gone, flowers were added, and all of it was carefully covered in mulch.  The difference was amazing and I was quite pleased with the result of my labors and soon moved on to other projects and life responsibilities.

In the first few weeks after the completion of the job, I would take a few minutes here and there to stop by and pull little weeds as they popped up.  But then life got a bit crazier and you know, I didn’t give that bank much thought.  The project was done and I had other things to do … surely all the work I had put into it was enough.

Now in the morning’s quiet, I figured I could get the bank cleared out again in no time.

Oh, but those weeds that I had worked so hard to eradicate had taken over once more …

Vines spreading all over, poison ivy everywhere I looked, and my sweet flowers all but choked out.

It did not matter how much work I had put into that bank just a couple of months ago.  It did not matter how well-cared for it had been or how lovely it had been with the addition of colorful flowers.  Just a brief time of neglect was all that was needed to revert back to its old ways.

*
*
*

Every time I pull weeds, I am reminded of my own sin nature.

Sin is just as pervasive and resilient as the weeds in my flower beds.

We go to church and we dedicate our lives to God.  We confess every sin we can think of and we walk away feeling so much cleaner … so much nicer.

We work through a Bible study and as the Holy Spirit reveals hidden parts of our nature, we pledge to eradicate them from our lives.  We are refreshed and renewed.

We attend a conference or a weekend retreat.  We feel challenged and encouraged and convinced we’ve got this Christian life figured out.

Then we get caught up in our crazy lives and we have the best of intentions to read our Bibles every day and talk to the Lord every day … and we really do intend to keep an eye out for those weeds of sin that we ripped from our lives.

But what happens?

One day we notice something … our hearts are overcome with sin once more and the loveliness of Christ is being choked out.

Just a bit of neglect allows our hearts to revert to its old ways.

I find this the most disheartening thing.

*
*
*

As I worked on the bank and pulled at the weeds, I became aware of the amount of poison ivy that had become very pervasive.  I realized that I was not dressed appropriately to battle poison ivy and if I continued, I would soon be covered by a terrible rash.

I admit, I was briefly tempted to take my chances and just continue with the fight but my extensive history with this notorious plant cautioned me that this would be a grave mistake.  One that I would deeply regret.

So I returned to the house and dressed until I was completely covered.  Then I pulled on two sets of gloves before returning to the battle.  Appropriately armed for the fight gave me an advantage to fight aggressively against my foe.  I knew if I was well-protected, the harmful effects of the poison would not cause me great harm.  I could easily still be touched by the poison as it has gone through clothing before, but I knew if I was properly protected, the effects would be minimal.

So with sin I must be properly prepared and armed for my battles against it.

Ephesians 6 reminds us that we must be strong in the battle against sin and to do so, we must be fully dressed in the armor of Christ…

“Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power.  Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes.  For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.  Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.  Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place,  and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace.  In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one.  Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.

And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord’s people.”
Ephesians 6:10-18

 

*
*
*

As I pulled the weeds in my bank along the road, I noticed that some had very shallow roots and they came out quite easily.  Others were deeply entrenched and took a lot of muscle power to pull.  Still others were connected by intricate and strong vine systems that made it almost impossible to remove.

I found this so convicting.

As I pulled each weed, I asked the Lord to show me those kinds of sins in my life.  The superficial shallow ones that can be addressed fairly easily.  The ones that have grown so deeply into my nature and personality that it requires diligent muscle power to pull.  And the ones that are connected deep below the surface … these are the ones that spread and take over, often without me realizing it.

I am convinced the Lord loves these kinds of prayers because the Holy Spirit has been working overtime on this heart of mine!  And, as always, it is a pretty rough process.

On a side note, I am also convinced that if we talk to the Lord (or other people) more about the sins and faults of another than talking to Him about our own sins … something is wrong.  We have to honestly deal with the big ol’ log in our own eye first.

So the Lord has been graciously shedding His light on the weeds that I have allowed to take root and grow.  Deep, entangling vine-like sins such as bitterness and resentfulness.  I have had to confess these over and over the last few weeks as I have been walking through some deep trenches with my family.   My personal poison ivy is probably the sin of envy and no other season brings that out in me like summer time when I see what typical families get to do together.  It is a deeply rooted sin that continually needs addressed.

But what about the more shallow sins that most of us might not recognize to be sin?  Well, if the Lord convicts us about it, it becomes sin.  For me, I have noticed my old use of sarcasm coming alive again.  Is sarcasm sinful?  Maybe not for you but in many situations, the Lord challenges me and convicts me every time it slips out.  I have become more and more aware that the Lord wants my words to be careful and sure … guarded, if you will.   Carefully seasoned with truth and gracious.  The Bible is full of verses that caution the use of our tongue and for me, I feel a strong conviction to guard my words carefully.  But oh so often, those words slip out and the Spirit sends a sharp word of rebuke as He yanks that weed of sin out.

Sigh … you know, it is never ending work to keep those weeds out of my flower beds.  I have resigned myself that is part of living in a broken world.

It is also a never ending task to keep sin out of my life.  It requires constant vigilance and even more humility.  It is never easy to submit to the Lord and watch as He allows me to sin so I can recognize my own human frailty and absolute dependence on Him.

After all, He died so that I might be free from sin … how wonderful is it that I can be dependent on Him?

There is great satisfaction as I look over my flower beds and see the beauty of my labors.  I am always glad I have done the work and removed the weeds.  Even if I know I will have to do it over and over again.

Can I submit to you that there is an even greater satisfaction and peace when the Lord removes sin from the flower bed that is my heart and mind?  It is never easy nor is it ever fun … but the end result is worth the cost.

Just some thoughts from my flower beds.