My younger children and I participate in a local homeschool co-op, which meets for seven classes in the fall and seven in the spring.  One of the ‘requirements’ for the moms in this co-op is to share a brief devotional and lead prayer with the entire group during our initial morning gathering; however, this year, there is going to be a slight change.  The teacher of the senior-high speech class requested that the seniors offer some of the devotionals as part of their class.  This was warmly welcomed by the moms, most particularly those whose senior students would cover their devotional spot in the schedule.

So, a few weeks ago, I sat down to prepare the schedule of speakers for the upcoming school year.  We had seven open spots for the fall session and six seniors so my first step was to begin scheduling them, starting with our second co-op session.  This left me with one open spot for the very first day of co-op.  The next step was to look at my schedule from last school year to see who had been the last speaker on our alphabetical list of names and then determine who would be the unfortunate …. um, I mean, the blessed lady to speak at the first co-op of the year, welcome all the new families, and in doing so, set the tone for the new co-op year.

Guess who that ‘blessed’ lady turned out to be?

Honestly, I stared at my name on the list for several minutes as I contemplated whether it was too late to withdraw us from the co-op.

I’ve always been a runner.  Fight or flight? … oh please, I will always take flight.

If you ever ask me to do something that strikes fear into my soul and see me grow completely still and silent, while my eyes shift ever so slightly … yeah, I am contemplating the distance to the nearest door and how quickly I can get there.

Now granted … I have matured considerably (that and I am getting old) so I rarely take flight anymore, but it is still an immediate instinctive response.  Every time.

So, I mentally endeavored to accept my fate as the first devotional speaker of the year, while immediately informing the Lord that it was really bad timing, I had nothing important to share, and I certainly would not have time to prepare anything of value, so the only option would be to simply read someone else’s words from someone else’s devotional.

I mean … obviously.

I wouldn’t swear to this but I am pretty sure I heard laughter from heaven on that one.

The Lord very quickly and graciously reminded me that He has given me so much to share … much more than I could ever write into one blog post or share in one short 10 minute devotional.

Okay then.  Point taken.  I am definitely old enough and experienced enough to know better than to argue with the Lord.  (I still do sometimes.)

So, I officially typed my name in and I sent the schedule to all the families while inside I continued to churn a bit.  I knew which stories/lessons of my summer with Ty that I was to write and share with the students and I have been tossing them about in my mind as I contemplated how to best present the lesson.  But I was still most hesitant to share it in this setting as my devotional.

I didn’t know why until yesterday.

Ty is entering what technically is his senior year of high school and like most, he will soon be turning 18.  While the other seniors and their families in our co-op and our church will be enjoying the exciting milestones that are so anticipated during this special season of life, we will not.  While other parents will take their seniors to visit colleges, I will be taking Tyler into a courtroom so I can obtain complete legal guardianship and be his caregiver for the remainder of my life.  While other parents are helping their seniors apply for scholarships and getting their senior pictures taken, I will be applying for social security on Tyler’s behalf and putting his name on a long waiting list for hard-to- get waivers to help meet his life-long needs.

I suddenly realized and understood my instinctive need for flight when I looked at that schedule.  Anytime we enter a new season of life that reminds me of the many realities of autism, I tend to walk through a period of grief.  To schedule in these wonderful, neuro-typical seniors so they can verbally share a devotional with the remainder of the co-op was simply one more reminder of something my son cannot do.  But then, for me to be the parent to lead the way for these seniors and present the example of a leader in this situation, seemed too much.  It seemed to ask too much for this mother’s heart that is still trying to navigate this world of autism.

Now, rest assured, if I had shared my heart with the other moms in this co-op, I know some of them would have jumped to my rescue and lifted this first devotional from my shoulders.  I have never met a group of women who are so mindful of my journey and seeking to bless and encourage me and my children.  But I didn’t ask because as soon as I realized the grief that was rising in my soul, the Lord reminded me that He has given me a task … a special purpose.  Something only I can do.

I can’t speak for Ty … but I am privileged to share in his journey to such an extent that I can share what God is doing in his life from a mother’s perspective.

A mother who has been praying and seeking the Lord on her son’s behalf for his entire life.  A mother who has been singularly blessed to be part of a different kind of journey.

There is so much that I could share about what God has done in Tyler’s life (as well as my own) and so much of it is easily relatable to anyone’s  journey.  The Lord reminded me that it came to no surprise to Him that I would be the first one to speak at our co-op and the first one to share.  It was no surprise to Him that I would be the one to schedule in the seniors and that I would be the one to prepare the way for them.  It was also no surprise to Him that my initial response would be one of grief and desiring to retreat into silence. No, in fact, He graciously reminded me that in this place of grief, He was giving me a special privilege and gift.

I get to be Tyler’s representative and I get to share from our combined journey some important lessons that could be of benefit to those who listen.  God has graciously given me the stories that need to be told and the message that needs to be offered … and, much to my surprise, I now find myself wondering how I can possibly fit it all into just 10 minutes!

God has been so good and He is so gracious.  He has been working in the silence and making a way through what often seems a lonesome wilderness experience.

And through it all, He has reminded me that while I often need to be Ty’s voice and representative now, there is coming a day that Ty will speak for himself.  It will either happen on earth or in heaven … but it will happen.

Oh my heart … what a glorious day that will be!

So, I believe my next blog post is going to be some of what I am planning on sharing with the students and parents at our first co-op session.  I’ve decided that writing it out here will help me gather my thoughts into a more clear and concise manner that will hopefully translate well into a verbal presentation.

We’ll see.  Stay tuned and thanks for reading.