This post may be a bit different than my normal style of writing and, if I can actually stick to my tentative plans, it will hopefully become a regular feature on this blog.

Don’t hold your breath waiting though because my plans are usually just will-o-wisps in the night. A mirage that disappears once reality hits.

By all appearances, I closed a chapter in life over the weekend. It was a hard decision for me as it is something of immense importance and value and something I have been working at for over 19 years. I have begged God and I have told Him what to do more than once — but it has been 19 years of beating my head against a brick wall. I have driven myself into the ground so many times trying to make all the pieces fit and make it all okay. But this year has been tough in more ways than one and as I contemplated it all, it seemed time to let go. Certainly, that doesn’t mean I stop praying for God to work in the situation, but it does mean I am letting go of telling Him what that work should look like. So I closed the chapter on what I tried for so many years to accomplish myself and now I wait. I wait to see what the Lord will do. I hope He opens the chapter again and I hope He blows me away by what He does.

Following that and as I’ve been contemplating so many things, both personal and in the world around me, I’ve decided it’s time to settle into my present reality and try new things. That includes trying to write here a little more often and a little more openly — Not because I think I am an exceptional writer or that my words and thoughts are particularly compelling, but simply because it is something I can do. It’s a way to grow and honor the God I love at the same time.

So welcome to ‘A Day in the Life …’

In preparation for future posts, this will be a little longer as I am going to give a little background and share just a little more about my oldest son, ‘T’, who is 19 years old. He is diagnosed with classic autism, IDD, and severe anxiety and truthfully, he is significantly impacted by it all. He is not completely nonverbal but his language skills are very limited. His receptive language is much stronger than his expressive language, so he understands more than he can express, but if you pay attention, he’ll communicate in his own way. He is quite intelligent and capable of many things, he has a sweet smile and his laughter will brighten any day, but he also has a lot of challenges and behaviorally, he can be considerably complicated. Those who truly know him, love him fully. Those who don’t, tend to be put off or intimidated by what they see and hear.

Can I be transparent with you? It has never, ever been easy with him. There has never been a single area or time where he has followed ‘normal’ or has done what was expected of him. The simplest tasks are hard and they are hard day after day, year after year. Life is complicated every single day and every single day, I feel like a failure as his mother.

Over and over, for so many years, guilt and blame were often heaped on my shoulders by others — but most often by me. As a result, I’ve lived many years trapped within the walls of guilt, shame, and an overwhelming sense of failure … not only because I felt like a failure as a mother but, also in part to a rather complicated marriage which stirred the same kind of emotion.

It’s hard to let anyone in when shame consumes you. It’s hard to ask for and accept help when you believe yourself to be a complete failure.

But this is what is important … being my son’s mother has both broken me and matured me. God, in His infinite mercy and wisdom, gave me a child that wouldn’t fit into any label or follow any natural rule and who would never allow me the courtesy of feeling good about my parenting or myself. He did this not because I am some special kind of mother or one who is strong enough to face the challenges, but rather because it was part of His sovereign plan. A plan I cannot possibly see nor understand. I do know however, that He gave me a child who would require me to become broken, desperate, and needy before a holy God. He caused me to be broken so fully that only His truth could make sense of the pieces that lay shattered before me continually.

I am so grateful to be T’s mother and humbled that God allows me to grow beside him each day.

Over the long months of shut-down due to ‘the virus’, I was desperate for things to do both for myself and for T. My other children are able to fill their own hours but T, well, he needs constant prodding, supervision, and assistance to do anything besides watch YouTube videos, play Minecraft, indulge in problem behaviors, or become destructive in his boredom. Personally, I spent as much time outside as possible working and cultivating the four acres of land we live on because I have a long-term vision for the property. One of the first things I did was to put out extra birdfeeders. I know the birds are more than capable of foraging for themselves during the warmer months, but watching them flutter around my feeders was like watching flowers dancing through the sky all around my house.

So I enlisted T’s help in keeping those feeders filled for our feathered friends.

Now getting T to help with any task is an ongoing challenge. He definitely lives in his own world inside his head and he isn’t always very willing to be bothered to leave it. My approach has changed somewhat as he has aged and it is always tricky to properly and respectfully navigate these waters. He is 19 years old and therefore, he is a young man. An adult. Yet, on the inside, he actually functions and comprehends more as a young child. His emotions and thoughts often seem torn between a maturing understanding and a child-like mind. Since he is technically an adult, I endeavor to treat him as one. Yes, he still will draw on the walls, make a mess in the bathroom, and have meltdowns, but he also tends to respond better to me if I talk to him as I would a typical peer his age. When I get frustrated and use the ‘mother’ voice, he reacts negatively. So my approach at this point is to approach him as a young man as much as possible. When it came to filling the birdfeeders, I simply asked him to help me. I appealed to his need of being needed and valued.

That worked great initially. Once he had settled into the new reality of being home during the shut-down, he appreciated having fewer demands and he grew more relaxed and calm. So if I appealed to him to help me, he was often willing to do so (at least for a little while). We would get the birdseed from the garage and walk around the yard to the various birdfeeders and then he would fill them himself.

Since he is back at school, in person (half days only), he has been less willing to help me out. My guess is, he is already maxed out on the demands he is willing to accommodate by the time he gets home so he is more inclined to stubbornly refuse to do what I ask. He’s not not unlike most of us when we get home from work or school, we simply want to be left alone.

As a result, I’ve been filling those birdfeeders alone while trying to gauge what’s happening, weighing all the possibilities and reminding myself of the goal, and then creating a new plan of approach.

Yesterday, I brought the two feeders that needed filled onto the back porch, along with the birdseed. When the time was reasonable, I showed him the visual and simply asked him to help me fill them. I knew the way I was approaching him was only giving a very minimal demand and I very much wanted to create a successful, productive moment for him, so I quietly stood firm in my request.

It didn’t take long for him to join me on the porch and complete the task.

Once he completed what I asked, I thanked him for his help and let him go on his way. He smiled at me and I knew the moment had been successful. Next time I will handle it the same way. There may be times he will be willing to go outside with me to fill them and when that is the case, that’s what we’ll do. But if the only way I can get him involved successfully is to bring the feeders to him, then that’s what I will do.

The goal is simply to encourage him to work with me on whatever task is at hand because, as far as I can see, that’s what we will be doing every day once he ages out of the school system and transitions into what the adult world holds for him.

We’re becoming a stronger team, my son and I, as we grow together.

In the weeks ahead, I hope to share more ‘A Day in the Life’ segments as T and I find more new things to work on together.

I hope you’ll join us.