I will rest
In Your promises
My confidence
Is Your faithfulness
(Yes and Amen by Housefires)

Regular readers of this blog may have noticed that it fell silent some months ago. This extended break from writing was not intentional on my part but it has been a needed time for me to work through some challenging life issues and heart matters. It has been a season of quiet, as well as, a season of work, wrestling, and waiting. But I noticed that when I did want to try writing again, my words froze — I became almost paralyzed and could not continue. The longer I stayed away from writing, the harder it became to even gather and process through my thoughts. I understood somewhat what might be causing the block in my head but I did not know what to do about it … so I stayed silent. I would rather not speak at all than to speak foolishly.

A couple of weeks ago, I began to pray about my inability to write because quite honestly, I wasn’t sure I wanted to continue. The last months have taken the last bit of steam I have had left in me and the future has been weighing heavily on my shoulders. “What is the point of my writing?” I often wondered.

But last evening as I pondered the future once more regarding what lies ahead for my son with autism and myself, I asked the Lord what I could do … and I heard one word, ‘Write.’

And I, foolish person that I can be, argued with Him. “Lord, I don’t know. I’m really not that good of a writer and my style of writing is not what most modern people who call themselves ‘Christian’ want to read. I’ve read the successful blogs and I see who attracts people and readers and Lord, I am just not that person. I don’t want to be. Isn’t there something else I can do … something more hidden and behind the scenes? I just … I just don’t think I can continue. I don’t think I should try to write anymore. I just don’t know.”

Have you ever been in a conversation with God where you can almost hear Him sigh and you can almost see His eyebrow lift as He bestows a fatherly glare upon you?

I tend to get that a lot.

But like the gracious, heavenly Father He is, He did not just give me ‘the look’ but slowly began to enlighten my heart and mind … He began to teach and instruct me in His ways … and He is helping me to understand some things that have been eluding my thoughts.

You see, I have not been able to write because I have lost all confidence. Now you should understand this about me: I am not a confident person. Never in my life has the word confident been applied to me – never. My Pastor is wise to this so years ago he began to tell me that I was capable. Over and over, he used the word capable to describe me and eventually, it began to stick. Eventually I would look at a hurdle or situation and while my first instinct would be one of fear, I was able to say, ‘Hey, I am capable of handling this’ and handle it I would. With that new foundation, I slowly began to build a little confidence as I grew and matured in my faith and that was what allowed me to write here and on social media.

But that confidence slowly dwindled away over these last months/year and once I stopped writing, I could not seem to be able to begin again. Any confidence that was being nurtured in me has since faded and so I did the only thing I know how to do … I grew silent and waited.

Reader, I have lost confidence.

I have lost any confidence in myself.

I have lost confidence in the world around me.

I have lost confidence in many believers.

I have lost confidence in church.

It is a rough place to be for a woman who started life as a Pollyanna of sorts. A girl who was often nick-named ‘Sunshine’ when she was little because her gentle smile glowed. It is perplexing for a girl who grew up in the church and believed if she just ‘hung in there’ and tried to do right, God would make it all okay some day.

But in these last months, I have been navigating through the somewhat bitter reality that it will not be okay … at least not as I thought it would be.

God has not done what I asked of Him. He has not fixed my family and restored any relationship with my siblings. He has not allowed me the community, friendships, nor the safety for which I have longed; In fact, He continues to take more and more away. He has not fixed or changed a broken and dysfunctional marriage but instead, He has caused me to walk alone and to lead my children in His ways while dealing with great loneliness and loss. He has not cured or made the way any easier for my son with autism and as I look at the days ahead once he enters the adult world with limited supports and services, God has actually taken away most of the help and freedom I thought I would have.

At this point of life, my reality is looking pretty bleak and frankly, help and encouragement seem hard to find. The last years of political unrest and pandemic craziness seems to have caused even the strongest Christians I know to become increasingly cynical and calloused. When I have a rare opportunity to share conversation with an adult, it seems as if politics, the pandemic craziness, and vaccines are all that can be talked about. I have grown weary of this.

So last night I lifted my eyes and my heart heavenward as I cried out to God with the sorrows that perplex my soul and He, with all the gentleness and kindness of a gracious Father, showed me that my confidence needs to be in Him and Him alone.

I always believed I couldn’t be safe in this world unless I was loved and accepted fully by others and He has never allowed me that. I always believed I wouldn’t be safe until I was loved and cherished in the marriage setting and He hasn’t allowed that either. I always believed I wouldn’t be safe until my son’s autism was easier and not as hard and perplexing and He has not made the way any simpler. If anything, God has allowed my life to become increasingly more difficult with each passing year and any hope I may have had of earning the love of those around me or attaining some level of confidence in myself has been destroyed in these last months and carried away like ash in the stormy winds.

So what do I have left? How can I lift my head and take the next step when everything seems so uncertain and grim? I can do so by trusting in the faithfulness of God. My confidence as I face each day can only be found in Him and through Him.

The truth is, I have had to learn that things really will be okay but I may never see that until I enter the gates of heaven. The truth is, I am loved but I may never really understand that until I stand before my Savior and see Him face to face. The truth is, in this world we will have trouble and it is a fallacy to think that God is all about making life easy for us so we can be happy and without trouble. The truth is, we can have peace, contentment, happiness, and rest in the fiercest of storms because we can know absolute confidence in Who our God is and that our lives are not about us. This truth stands in absolute defiance to what so many around me seem to believe.

So like a single candlestick that stands alone in a darkened room, God seems to be challenging me to shine His light, even if my thoughts and words flicker uncertainly in the night. He can use the most unimpressive and diminutive light for His glory and His purpose … and that is my confidence.

“But blessed is the one who trusts in the Lord,
    whose confidence is in him.
They will be like a tree planted by the water
    that sends out its roots by the stream.
It does not fear when heat comes;
    its leaves are always green.
It has no worries in a year of drought
    and never fails to bear fruit.”
Jeremiah 17:7,8